Some Suggestions for Comments on Poems
Your assignment is to read your peer's poem and write a one page analysis and commentary, including suggestions for improvement. Here are some of the things to consider and comment on as you read your peer's poem....
1. Title and the titles of the subsections
2. The purpose and the effect of the epigraph
3. The complexity and beauty of the language - has the writer chosen rich, interesting words and put them together in rich, interesting ways. Has the writer used his/her full arsenal of techniques: metaphor, simile, register, imagery, symbolism, connotative word choice? If not, what suggestions can you make? Is there an established mood and tone?
4. How does it sound? Read it out loud. What do you think of the line breaks? Has the writer experimented with enjambment? End-stopped lines? Are there sound devices - onomatopoeia, repetition (both of sounds, vowels or consonents, and of words and phrases), rhyme, meter? How does the sound of it contribute to the meaning?
5. What do you, as reader, perceive as the topics and themes the writer is exploring? Articulate those themes and explain your thinking. If you're confused, explain your confusion.
6. Think of SOAPSTone: who is the speaker of the poem? Does the speaker change? How does the speaker connect to the novel? What occasion does each section of the poem respond to? Who is the audience? What is the purpose and subject? The tone?
7. Last but not least: has your writer followed the assignments and met its requirements?
Please post your response to their poem here. I want a full page, not a paragraph. This will be graded as an open response. Use the title of the poem in your response, but not the author.
posted by Ms. Clapp @ 12:29 PM
25 comments
25 Comments:
"A Few Steps Forward Rest I Wake" was the poem that which I received.
I really liked this poem first and for most. I'd like to start out by talking about the first section of the poem. While reading the first stanza of the poem it gave a off a great tone of depression and sadness. Like when it says the "dream fell to the ground" or "ruins poisoned" I like the wording in this section it flowed very well. The words also were descriptive like it starts out by saying the "Early morning" therefore giving the poem like a set time, letting the reading feel what time of day it's all happening. However, the rhyme scheme seems a little off. I know that it's not intended to rhyme however the words have end stopping's throughout the section and the words feel stopped, if you can understand what I mean. I think that you should add more words to your poem, not like rephrase it much but add words that might make it flow a little bit more fluently. Moving on to the next stanza of the poem, I like how I felt like I was really in the persons shoes. I almost felt that sheet cover my life because the words were very strong in the stanza. It really helped me feel like the poem was intended to feel hopeless and "fire red" I loved that you added words like "burning" and "sunset". The contrast of that word "sunset" helps me feel like the poem is setting into a darker hour and that something evil and sad is to happen. The negative part about the second stanza is line 4 and 5 of this doesn't flow. It's missing something. "Shadows of white write fire red..." it sounds pretty but its not flowing well, I think that you should maybe add another line so that where you want this stanza to lead up to the last line fits well. The least stanza was very strong. It ended in hell and it was good that it ended like that because with the connotation's of "burning" and "fire" it really finished off well. Another thing that was intriguing to me was that it ended in night. I was really drawn that you made the poem in the three times of the day and it all fit so well. What I think you should really focus on doing for your poem is re word a few things, follow a better rhyme scheme and also maybe adding a few more lines so that the pattern of what you're trying to say is more accurate. Other than that it's a pretty good poem.
The Salvation Found in Death
For the first section I thought it was great. I thought there was more than just a young girl that can easily be mistreated. I saw more about her surroundings as a little girl, than being mistreated. I really don’t see how in this section is shows her being mistreated. I saw the innocent little girl, but also trying to have faith in God. That is another important section in the novel also and I like how you added Sister Marie saying “thoughts are not sins,” and then she thinks about death. I think it would have showed more mistreat if you added things that people said to her that hurt her feelings or things people did that hurt her and made her feel that way. I also like the title you gave this one.
For section two I thought it made sense of what you were trying to get across. It definitely shows Antoinette trying to better her relationship with her husband and her feelings that sense of nothing going forward in their relationship. How during the book she feels she’s trying to better their relationship and she loves him, but he doesn’t love her back. My only question is I really don’t see the lust part in Antoinette’s part. Also in the poem it really doesn’t show an indication of lust, more of love. I think in the last third line of the stanza instead of saying love I think you should have said lust because it would have made more sense. He was a lustful guy and makes sense on his part of what you are trying to get across in your poem. Also shows how Antoinette will do anything for him to love her back. I think also the title of this section goes great with the poem.
For section three I saw what you were trying to say. I really do like this section. You do get across how someone is depressed and confused, but I saw sense how in a way she is crazy. I like how the last two lines says “I saw the sunlight, it was coming.” I also like the repetition of emphasizing of she feels lost and confused of her environment and why she is there. For the epigraph you picked I thought it goes well with the whole poem. It definitely goes great with the first section and I like how you picked the title. The Salvation Found in Death, I think in some sense a lot of the characters in this novel think dying would be the best salvation from the life they live. Mr. Rochester mentions it a couple of times and I even think Antoinette feels that way too.
“This is Good-Bye,” written by Anonymous, is a brooding poem that is filled with rich imagery. The writer also chooses a style in which after each stanza, the point of view change and speaker change.
Stanza one had an obscure beginning, the speaker says, “Orchids flourished underneath the tree” and further down to line 5, “a frown came between,” I understood the effect the writer may have been attempting to create with this imagery. Orchids, which are “showy, delicate, and fragrant” flowers is juxtaposed with a seemingly vile and villainess creature who distorts this visage of serenity, with a frown. However it’s not implicit who this person may be but is explicit that the sex is female, which allows the reader to assume that it is either Antoinette or her mother. Both Antoinette and her mother are “quiet young, abandoned” and they are also hated by the people in Wide Sargasso Sea. I suggest that it be made clear who is being characterized. In this stanza, the writer chooses grim register that connotes the overall mood of section one of Wide Sargasso Sea. Words such as “silent, quiet, hated, dangerous and cruel,” develop an eeriness of the section but also emphasize the abandonment of the family and of each individual character, Antoinette and her mother.
As a stylistic choice, the writer changes the point of view, to Rochester. Changing the point of view characterizes section two of Wide Sargasso Sea, because for the majority of the time, it is told by Rochester. Line 1, “Her hair was combed, how beautiful she was, unreal like a dream,” shows the state of disillusion Rochester is in, in section two before confronting the fatal truth and realization, “do all have sad destinies?” The writer does a first-rate job capturing Rochester’s emotions, with the line “alien, disturbing,” referring to Antoinette, he goes on to say, “Don’t believe me? That Devil!” lines 6-7 captures Rochester’s anger and anguish well. Stanza two compared to stanza one is more fluid of the two. The fluidness compared to stanza one, removes the obscurity and develops the overall meaning, the misplaced trust and resulting anger that is section two of Wide Sargasso Sea.
In Stanza three, the writer changes the speaker and point of view. The new speaker is obviously Antoinette, now Bertha. Line 1, “they knew you can’t stop them,” illustrates the loss of power in section three of Wide Sargasso. Bertha goes on to say, “can fight no more,” the fire, that once was dramatized by Antoinette has been extinguished by Rochester, her captor and replaced with the shell, Bertha and I believe that these are the moments the writer attempts to capture. The writer claims the confusion Antoinette feels, she says, “don’t remember yesterday,” which elicits the coming of night and day, day and night Antoinette is confronted with. The writer deviates from Antoinette to her location: England, “the ghost” city and completes the poem with the line, “This is Good-Bye” which reiterates that England will be her death place. The line “This is Good-Bye,” is not only the title but can be seen as the overall theme of this particular poem. The abandonment felt in stanza one is a “good-bye” to the familiar life Antoinette and her mother once lived. Rochester, in stanza two says “good-bye” to the “unreal dream”. And the writer completes the poem by having Antoinette formally say “good-bye” which adds to the effect of abandonment felt in Stanza one.
Except for the confusion of Stanza one, the ideas of this poem are interrelated, which is main criteria of this project.
“Dream”
I don’t think you have an epigraph in your poem… which reminds me, neither do I.
I felt like the purpose of the first section of your poem was to emphasize protection and fear. The repeating line “under the tree” and the word “sheltering” was utilized in order to do so and served as a contrast and defense to the heavy rain and destruction you’ve mentioned. The tone shifts to relief as the speaker says “I am safe. You, however, end the first section stating that the “rain fell more heavily” which foreshadows and hints more adversity in your next to sections. It also leaves the section unresolved which I find great as it helps transition to the next section. The syntax is very short and direct creating the feeling of being chased after, which I thought was quite nifty.
The second section continues off with the same speaker, whom I believe is Antoinette. While the tone seems to stay the same as before (being afraid) there seems to be an undertone of the supernatural since ghosts and shadows shifting are mentioned. The section ends off with the note that the rain is beginning to die down yet reminds the readers that not everything is alright just yet.
The third and final section goes away from the past speaker and seems to be in a more omniscience point of view. I especially like your transition from weather to the sky which fits in really well with your choice of words and the your technique of using specific weather to convey fear and loneliness. I’m a bit confused about this section as the end seems to jump around thus not making any sense. The line “beautiful things and sad destinies” is great and I feel like really fits well into your theme.
When reading it out loud, your poem seems a bit choppy. This is probably because you seem to have a sentence per line instead of using multiple lines for sentences. Also at times you randomly jump to another topic. Perhaps by using multiple lines for a sentence you can fill in the gaps and make an easier transition into another topic.
Great finds and use of words. I might still some of your choices (of words, not the whole sentence)! There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme scheme or meter and I really don’t think there needs to be any. I am also a tiny bit confused about the title of your poem. Is the speaker having a dream or is she speaking of a past dream she has had? Other than those minor nitpicks, I feel that your poem flows very well and is consistent with its theme.
"One Farmer's look to the Future"
The descriptions in the poems are very good. Phrases like "fruit sizzles and sours quick " and "the humid moisture of corwded air jokes him" give you good visuals and ideas of the scene that is being presented in the poem. The setting of the poem is clear which also gives it a good effect and adds to the idea of being dried out and neglected. Also the tone in the first poem is very clear it is a solemn kind of tone everything seems to be dying away or "tunring brown". The idea of the first stanza is kept to very nicely. There is a little bit of a flowing problem. Some of the lines do not mesh well together, they may need punctuation in certain areas that will help give a pause to places that sound odd together. I believe that this first stanza does represent the first part of the book with the idea of being neglected, I just think that there needs to be a little bit more of a deeper meaning then what is there.
The second stanza gave me a feeling of running out of time. As though something bad was going to happen and the man in the poem knows this. The repetion of the word now and the phrase "for now" was used very effectively. However two of the lines seem to repeat themselves, when he is talking about the wife. I think that maybe combining those lines with enjambment or maybe taking one out will actually help the stanza make a little more sense. The idea of his happiness ending is very obvious and made me wonder why he thinks its going to end. I think by adding a little more to then end of this stanza the reader may not have as many questions at the end. Once again however it is choppy and the lines don't exactly flow together.
The third stanza seems a bit unfnished and im somewhat unclear of any theme however from what I see it seems like it may be a little bit repetitive of the idea of the first. There is only 3 lines so something will need to be added to that as well.
There are a few structural and criteria flaws that I have noticed. There is alot of jumping back and forth between tenses. Theres present and pass in the different lines. Also there is alot of punctuation missing that should be in certain areas. The poem is suppose to be 30 lines, with 3 stanzas, with 10 lines in each of the stanzas. This poem only has 15. Also just remeber to cite the pages you use your words from.
First line "Unlucky (18), solitary (18) beggar"
To start, this was a VERY CREATIVE POEM! NICE JOB!
Now to suggestions, opinions, etc...
This poem does not have a title/title for subsections yet...
...there doesn't seem to be an epigraph...
...I found your word choice to be interesting...for instance, there was "Marooned"(26) "forsaken" (18) "Brute"(43) "haunts"(187) etc. These words all added to the mellowed mood of the poem...which is most definitely obvious when reading.
There is loads of imagery..."Stained glass window" (118) "deep purple" (19) "Savage appearance"(72) "Red"(70) "blue"(70)…your poem altogether tugs on the strings of the imagination…the style of your poem is all about description, which makes it hard to comprehend its sole message at first, but after a few readings, one goes begins to have an idea of what is going on…it’s a nice transition, I felt a bit thrown in/overwhelmed at first, but as it digressed, I saw what was going on.
...there are plenty of adjectives/descriptions, which in my opinion is awesome, but you may need to work on having some fully developed/clearly revealed statements...you get the idea of what things look like, etc., but not so much of what’s going on...who is doing what…the point.
The final section was my ABSOLUTE favorite since it was more clear/unified, I’m thinking because it was shorter than the others…I love the whole "shouting"(189): “cardboard”(181), “flame”(190)!...it’s so creative!... I think you started getting more direction in your poem as it continued on (once it reached the 2nd section)...I suggest that you rework the 1st section a bit...just so that there is some sort of clear point sent out in each line...try and make it more like the 2nd/3rd…
I don’t feel that the sections have their own topics going on, but rather that they all talk about isolation and inferiority, but the latter ones are clearer than the first, which means that I only got an idea of what the first meant after reading the next two sections…for the assignment, I think you need to have each section be different and relating to Wide Sargasso Sea…however, maybe I’m just missing the difference of each division in your poem…it could be roughly related to everything getting “clearer” as the poem goes on, just like in Jane’s life...
...while reading the poem, I had the thought of someone being an outcast, or isolated..."solitary" (18) "deserted" (72) "Alien" (67)...there is a lot of stuff going on, but again, I personally couldn't break it apart and identify what so much was TAKING PLACE…I got the subject/feeling that you were trying to convey.
...so far, I got isolation and darkness from this...
...I think you need to focus more on making phrases with complete ideas/messages...
"hate"(49) "garments" (93) "creature"(184) were repeated, with "hate" in the 1st section, "garments" in the second, and "creature" in the 3rd...this could help you with the idea/title for each section possibly...do you want these to be repeated in the sections? I think that “hate” and “creature” make sense for being included, as they add to your subject of isolation, however, I don’t see how “garments” could be included…you should probably consider choosing another word to repeat in the 2nd section, since it does seem that the repetition seems significant and could aid to the concentration of each section…the repeated words could help you rework your poem, and the focuses you want to have in each section.
...another line that I love was in the 1st section, "Fire" (23), "burn"(25), “hate” (49)...it sends a straightforward message of anger.
Again, when I read it out load, there is loads of describing, instead of stuff happening...ex. "Hate"(49) "Brute" (43) "Afraid"(31) all in one line...you could keep it like this if you find it to be what you like...I personally think the lines like this in your poem are what make it interesting, but maybe other lines that do not send one complete message/emotion could be altered.
The speaker appears to be somebody on the outside looking in...someone feeling pity for others...the speaker finds the others to be inferior, while he/she feels superior. I personally feel that the speaker is talking to him or herself...kind of like standing there and shaking his/her head in dismay…the speaker does say “I” (74) once, in the 2nd section.
...I get the idea of the poem dealing with outcasts being looked down upon...but I think that you could work a bit more on sharpening this.
...since the lines in your last section are pretty short (some are just one word)...you probably might want to find out if they need to be longer or not.
Great Job! This was a very challenging poem…you had me a bit lost at first, but then I recovered, and got what you were saying.
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the first line of the first section of the poem is: "We were never approved;"
Upon reading the poem and it’s three sections, I noticed that the words and phrases were very carefully chosen. It was apparent the author was meticulous about word choice, and took time to really dig through the novel to devise a poem that makes sense and carries a message. A for effort!
However, it is unclear to me exactly what this message is, and if the message differs from each section of the poem. All the components of a masterpiece are there, I just believe some things need to be clarified. I was also confused on who exactly the speaker was, and if the speaker differed in each section of the poem.
In the first section of the poem, the pronouns confused me. In lines 6 and 7, the speaker refers to a person as “her.” I was unsure if this was referring to the mother from the first couple lines of the poems, which caused me to be confused on the meaning of the poem and what its purpose is. However, I really did enjoy how the poem employed imagery of touch, sight, and hearing.
Moving on to the second section, I didn’t know whether the subject or the speaker of the poem were the same as the first. It began right away with dialogue which made me think it was almost a continuation of ideas from the first, but the quotations chosen made me believe that this poem consisted of two lovers talking to each other, but because of the use of all pronouns, I wasn’t sure; although, ambiguity could be the author’s intention here.
I thought the third poem effectively portrayed a sense of cold, nostalgia/forgetfulness, and thought it was the strongest of the three sections. With more attention to the first two poems, titles, and an epigraph, I look forward to see what this poem can turn into!
The poem that I got didn't have a title so the first line started with "she was young/ sweet and strong.."
The main thing that I wanted to comment on was the structure of these stanzas and how it flowed throughout. When I first read through it, I noticed that the language of the speaker seemed more like caveman talk like "little afraid of her / mother was looking down / useless to her" which fitted in to how the characters in Wide Sargasso Sea. But then I noticed that in some lines there were complete sentences like " I got lost, like a dream / I loved it in my heart." I think that to improve this poem the language should stay the same way throughout.
I didn't see any similies or methaphors but the imagery in this poem was very descriptive and enriched the poem. The diction through this poem worked with the idea. Words like "shivering" "abandoned" "ashamed" "painfully" "betrayal" "ached" brought the speaker's pain to light for the reader.
I noticed that the speaker seemed to change from a first person to a third person narrative but it didn't have the flow that it needed to. I think that if the person who wrote this poem wants to keep it with two speakers than they should find a way to make it flow easier, but I think that the poem can reach its effect if they only kept it to one speaker.
I thought that the idea that the poem brings across. It shows the desperation of the young girl and what made her that way. I also thought that the epigraph that this person chose was a very good choice because the poem is a reflection on how Bertha became such an "animal" at the end of Jane Eyre.
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To the person whose poem begins “The devil crimson with heat”,
Going through the sections Mrs. Clapp pointed out:
1. You don’t have a title yet, or subsection titles but I would recommend something depressing to go along with the theme of your poem =].
2. You don’t have an epigraph yet either.
3. I like your choice of words, and they all seem to be based around “misery” and being forgotten, however it is hard to praise your similes and literary techniques because I noticed that the poem isn’t completely made up of words from the book, and that you added your own, so most of these techniques will have to change when you edit out your own words. I would recommend that when you do this however, you attempt to keep the simile between the devil and the snake in the opening lines because I feel that it works effectively. Also, I like the mood and tone of your poem and feel that it correlates to themes found in Wide Sargasso Sea, but I question whether you can retain it when you take out all of your own words. I think it will work, but you may have to look up some new phrases if you choose to keep it at the length it is at, with only quoted words and phrases. The words themselves I think will retain their meaning, but you will need to alter their location in order to keep the same context. “pretty self (17)” will probably have to be relocated, for example, if you choose to keep the same theme of the poem.
4. I feel as though your poem doesn’t have a defined meter, which is fine since it reads like a story almost, however again I feel as though this will change when it is composed of completely words from the book. From my own experience it is hard to make the poem flow seamlessly without the ability to use your own words, so your flow may not be able to be kept.
5. I feel as though your theme is pretty clear. I assume that the first section and third section are both told from the same point of view, while the third section is told from another, very similar to the story itself. I feel as though your two speakers are very similar to the characters of Antoinette and Rochester themselves, with the first feeling as though she has given up her happiness and the second person feeling as though “there is nothing” left for him with this “alien” “girl”. Both of your points of view seem to be very depressed and relate to the idea that freedom brings happiness.
I’m sorry if this isn’t immensely helpful, however I think your poem will take an immense shift after you rework the assignment a bit. Overall I think your word choice is very strong and all of your words will connect without the addition of your own, it is just a matter of sitting down and putting it together. Other than that, the theme is very clear, and you can work on adding more techniques in too. Perhaps add in some more imagery, it really helps. Your use of enjambment in the fourth and fifth lines of the poem works nicely, and really makes me focus on the words “unlucky place” so perhaps you could utilize this a little more in your reconstructing. Good luck, and if you have any questions or want any clarification, I would love to help! Enjoy the snow day =]
My peer’s poem stars off with “None of us looked back”. I believed that each stanza really emphasizes the general themes from each section of the book. Overall, the poem conveys a sense of loneliness, as well as, invasion.
In the first stanza, the author utilizes a Hell register, with descriptions such as, “face crimson with heat” (2), “internal fire” (3), and mentioning “Hell” (10) itself. The author’s purpose of employing the Hell register is to emphasize the craziness that goes on in Antoinette’s life in section one. Also, it sets a tortured tone of the isolation that the author describes in this stanza. The speaker, presumably Antoinette, detaches herself from her family, as “they were all yelling” (2) and “As she ran” (5). Then the speaker focuses on herself, with the use of the pronoun “I”. The speaker “saw herself” (6) and “walk with difficulty (59) through the forest (31) of (19) mystery (10)” (9). By focusing on the speaker, brings the attention of the craziness to her, foreshadowing how Antoinette follows her mother’s insanity paths. The ideas of insanity and loneliness foreshadows Antoinette’s own road to madness.
The second stanza contrasts with the first stanza, using a Heaven register. The author juxtaposes fiery descriptions with gentle images, such as “snow wild, untouched” (1), and “white garden” (3). This imagery could represent a more peaceful time in Antoinette’s life, where she would talk with Mr. Rochester about her past and about the culture, before he cheated on her and before she went crazy. However, the lines, “I did not see (38) Heaven and Hell (57)…Death came my close” (4-6) exposes an uncertain tone. Heaven seems to represent her homeland, Jamaica, where she is comfortable in this environment, while Hell seems to be a metaphor for England. The white setting seems to represent a type of limbo. She is neither really in her homeland Jamaica with Mr. Rochester around, and she feels so out of place and confused in England.
The final stanza really brings out the anger in Antoinette! The brusque diction and succinct syntax stresses the bitter tone. I can practically hear Antoinette screaming through this stanza, especially, “A cruel stupid fool (40)/What scandal! (113)” (1-2) and “He had no right (128)” (5). This stanza really illustrates Antoinette’s madness, as she is “howling, shrieking, and laughing (164)” (8) in Thornfield.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. However, I felt the poem would be more fluid, if the third stanza connected more with the first two. As the first two compares the idea of craziness and tranquility, the third should tie in both those two (in my opinion). Your poem grammatically makes sense when I read it out loud, so bravo to that. That’s all I really have to say, again good job.
The poem that I received had the first line, "One calm evening". It has no title, epigraph, or subtitles.
Okay, I had some trouble with this poem to start with. There are good phrases, but they are disconnected and don't flow well. It has no flow when read out loud and I can understand what the writer is trying to say but the disjointed phrases, "I had fallen (52)/...the blood was falling (31)", make the poem more difficult to read through.
Another confusing thing would be in the second sstanza where the writer contrasts light and dark, sun and shadow, and heaven and hell. It is obvious that the contrast is there for a reason but I am having trouble understanding that reason. There is a jump from talking about, "our garden...large, beautiful (19)", to taking on a dark tone, ending the stanza with, "I could die (92)". This may have been a way to represent the transition from happiness to the anxiety that occured for Rochester and Antoinette.
The third stanza left me the most confused. It has a very calm tone and has an "ocean register" but, again, it feels very choppy and doesnt flow well. Like with the rest of the poem I am having trouble understanding themes for each stanza. I can pick up on the tone and can see what direction the writer is trying to go in but the further than that seems hazy to me.
There are great words and phrases selected for this poem and I believe that by making it more fluid, wether that be adding more to it or connecting phrases, will better present the themes.
I hope that was helpful!
The poem I received didn’t have a title for both the overall poem, as well as the subsections; they also didn’t have an epigraph, which reminded me that I forgot to put those things in as well, so whoever got my poem, I apologize for that.
I have to say from what I got, I thought the poem was well written and enjoyable as a whole; the first stanza used personification, symbolism, as well as tying in the emotion that Antoinette clearly felt in the story, saying how she “could hardly say ‘I love you’ / Yet, you tell me I could die.” This clearly depicts how Antoinette wanted to please Mr. Rochester while he only barely tolerated her after his discovery of the “madness” running in her family. The only thing I would have to question is the first line, which mentions how the sea “was blue, deep and dark; unreal champagne.” The comparison threw me off for a bit, not only because of the color difference, although I like the possible implication how traditionally, champagne is used as a celebratory drink, but by being “unreal” in this case, it shows how Antoinette’s marriage to Mr. Rochester shouldn’t be so much a celebration, since in a way it’s nothing more than a ruse.
As for the second stanza, it clearly reminded me of the Ting Ting’s song, “That’s Not My Name,” but with a different intention behind the meaning of the words this time, that was really quite clever. Whereas the song listed the names because the girl ends up being “forgettable” and mixes in with the crowd, by mixing it up to have the poem read “He called me Bertha / And Coralita, Amelie, Aunt Cora / But that is not my name” suggests how that everyone around her is in a way, molding her into this character that they want, where she is obedient by saying “Yes Master Sir,” only to have him “look away.”
The third section of the poem was incomplete since they didn’t have it on file, so it was a little hard to analyze, although you can kind of get the general idea of where the poem is heading. With the three lines given, “I’d let her cry. / I’d listen to him / were he not hating,” the only qualm I have about it so far is the fact that the second and third line together doesn’t quite flow together as a whole compared to the beginning and middle of the poem.
Overall the poem seems well written, and even without the epigraph I think the reader would be able to generally understand the message and purpose behind the poem, and how it reflects Antoinette’s given situation.
Besides the absence of titles, I believe this poem was very deliberate and well done. There is a good amount of repetition that added to the feel of the poem.
The word choice works towards an interesting poem. There are plenty of powerful naturalistic words that provide interesting and powerful imagery, such as: "Royal palms, Emerald drops. Heat\ soft, warm wind blowing." This imagery is in itself very poetic and beautiful, which I enjoyed. The imagery, especially in the second section where the speaker (who I believe is Antoinnete) is describing her home ("The Island"), is very rich and describes the nature on the island. This imagery is later contrasted with that in Section 3, which seems to be describing Antoinette's experience at Thornfield ("Fire flickered\ the flame burned...")
However, what I found a bit intrusive to the flow of the poem was that every line (almost) is its own a sentence. The fact that almost all of the lines end in periods does not provide a smooth flow or rhythm. I believe this can be fixed by substituting some of the periods with commas. Also, I think some rhyming was attempted at the beginning (or maybe it came out that way accidentally) but that it was not kept throughout the poem. Also, some of the phrases that are quoted are longer than four words, which is against the criteria of the poem. Again, this can easily be fixed as many of the words are articles such as “the” and “a.”
What confused me a bit was the repetition of the line "My mother never asked me." in the first stanza. I don't really know what this refers to in this context; it seems a bit out of place. I can see the importance of the line itself as the relationship between Antoinette and her mother, and how their relationships with their husbands parallel each other to a degree, but I think that it might be out of place where it is used. You might want to consider using this as a title, I'm not sure if that's what you’re going for... just a thought.
The 'bigger picture' I got from the poem is that it is Antoinette's life put into three stanzas of a poem. The sections go from childhood, to marriage, and end at Thornfield (and insanity). Considering the plot of the novel, you may also want to consider having Antoinette 'die' at the end of the poem, if this really is a kind of summary of her life (it might not be and I am misinterpreting it.) I know you foreshadow the death in the first two stanzas, but it might be more effective to actually have it at the end.
So, overall, it is a very effective poem with strong organization and word choice. It depicts rather clearly Antoinette’s journey through life, and to insanity.
My mad girl, my lunatic
My poet's poem, a grim narrative of a "loving man" and a "deserted girl" (Mr. Rochester and Antoinette), describes the process of the girl's decadence into misery, from happiness to the disillusionment to finally the despair.
This author chose the quote on page 461 in Jane Eyre as the poem's epigraph:
"A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank... he finds she is stone dead."
And I find that the most significant part of that passage is that it delineates what I saw to be this poet's three stanzas. (This is, of course, if this author wishes to model his poem after this epigraph which is what I'm assuming.) In this quote it has the pleasant expectation of first seeing love, of witnessing it from far away: "he wishes to catch a glimpse of her fair face without waking her. His eyes anticipate the vision of beauty...". After reading the poem, I understand that first stanza to reflect that line. Second, the death throes: "How he starts!... and gazes on it wildly! He thus grasps and cries, and gazes, because he no longer fears to waken by any sound he can utter...". I believe the poet tries to bring this line to life by dramatizing the bitter words exchanged by the "loving man" and "deserted girl." Lastly, the hopelessness, the despair, the gloominess: "He thought his love slept sweetly: he finds she is stone dead". The poet's last stanza is characterized by abject loneliness and depression. So the poem's epigraph's purpose is to give the poem a frame, an outline; we begin with the promising happy, transition to wild conflict, then end with cutting cold.
To begin, I shall first deliver the general notes I took, then will enter a line-by-line commentary.
Looking at the poem from an organizational scope, I was tempted to simplify the stanzas into three separate ideas following the epigraph: a stanza characterized by sunny, warm words; then a stanza characterized by frenzy, bitterness; finally a stanza closing with cold, despairing words. I noticed the first stanza opened with "...a place of sunshine/ full of gold sunlight", while the second focused on "silence...discomfort and melancholy/ tears and lamentation", and the final stanza was all about "no heat, no flame". This suggestion is simplistic and emphasizes being aesthetically pleasing and balanced. If this is what is desired, then perhaps the poet can add a little bit of rhyming as well?
A second general suggestion is to develop the character of the "loving man" and the "deserted girl" more. Having been through this myself and knowing that it'll be hard to find phrases that refer to the characters in third person (in relation to phrases in the second person), this is a tentative suggestion. This also includes a bit of confusion I had with the speaker/audience. While the two are mentioned in the first stanza, they reappear later as the audience and speaker and then the distinction is difficult to separate. I see two solutions: the first being to change all of the interactions into he/she, the "loving man" and the "deserted girl," or to never mention the "loving man" and "deserted girl" and simply have a solid "you, and i" character per stanza. For example, it seems that the first stanza could be written through the eyes of Mr. Rochester, since he is the lonely man in a palace of sunshine.
Another suggestion is to use some punctuations in the poem, like at the end of line 10, I thought it would be logical to place a semicolon so it would link line 10-11 together. Reading the poem without punctuation made it hard for me to follow your thoughts. When you did put punctuation, like in line 23-24, I began to pick up the thread but lost it again when the punctuations stopped. For me, at least, punctuations help me know when to stop and cut a thought short, or when multiple thoughts are connected together.
I noticed that some of the thoughts and ideas that occurred in your poem were fragmented and enjambed. My question to you is if the disconnection between thoughts is important, (Is this poem supposed to be like A pretty a day by e.e. cummings?) or if the disconnection is used stylistically.
Alas, I am being long-winded and this is becoming a daunting block of text, so I shall shorten and hurry my last few line-by-line comments.
line 2,3 - I like the sunniness and the warmth. I would like to see more. Refer to the epigraph comments.
line 4,5 - I liked these two lines together. A good entrance of this doomed woman.
line 9 - This ellipsis I'm not sure what to make of. It's interesting, and I would like to see it used again. I never thought of quoting punctuation marks.
line 12,13 - I liked these two lines together, but they seemed disconnected with the rest of stanza. This is where the disconnection question arose.
line 14 - I like the ironical use of "You are safe." I did the same sort of.
lines 19-25 - This part confused me the most. Either this was meant to be enjambment, or there was just too many ideas thrown at the same time. These lines were either dense with content, or disorganized. Perhaps you could develop each thought (if it were disorganized), or you could add punctuation to help deliver your message.
stanza 3 - I thought this was generally well done and I couldn't really offer much. Line 26 was interesting, since you inverted the words. Line 30 I would personally take out: it seems out of sync with the rest of the stanza (unless you're trying to convey a new thought here). The rest of stanza 3 was fine.
Finally, my epic trilogy of a response to your poem is done. I thank you for your effort!
This poem didn’t have a title, but the first line was “terrible things happen (61)”. So there should be a title and a title for each section. Each section is just labeled by parts. This poem also doesn’t have an epitaph. The author should make one.
So I understand what the poem is going at, but it doesn’t really make sense. The first section is talking about racism and equality, when this author used the words “black and white know nothing”. The author used a metaphor, when the author used the line, “we are hatred”, and simile, when it says “nothing like a dream”. The second and third part also doesn’t make that much sense. I don’t understand how the second past is about love, isn’t it talking about happiness?
I think that part two should be more developed, so the meaning would be clear. Part three should be more developed as well. I suggest a consistent flow. Each line doesn’t seem to connect to the next. It seems more like a collection of ideas that isn’t finished. One line in part three says “the sky” and that’s it, and the next line says “all my life”. The sky what? All my life what? It doesn’t go anywhere.
Who are “his chosen ones”? I understand the attempt at an overall meaning, but the lines don’t make that much sense. The last line says “you wouldn’t understand” and I kind of don’t understand. I suggest one speaker, or make the speaker obvious because this author used “I” then when to “We” then “His”, who would they be? Who is “you” and why does it randomly shift to “her” and then in the third part it shifts back to “us”?
As for SOAPSTone, I don’t know who the speaker is. I don’t see how the three parts connect. I think it would be better if there was a connection among the three parts. There are three different subjects, should there be one whole theme? I think the tone would be attempted as depressing. The occasion would be an epiphany? To realize something, and to figure yourself out? I don’t really see it, so it should be developed.
The author fulfilled the requirement of having three sections and ten lines each, but there is no flow and has no full meaning. It doesn’t talk about WSS at all. The person is no consistent in flow and should’ve connected everything together.
Ok so this is a response to “When Sad Things Happen.”
So first off, like many other poems in our class, there is no epigraph or titles for subsequent sections, which, if it wasn’t a requirement, I wouldn’t think that your poem would need it. But since Ms. Clapp asks for it, I thought that your epigraph could be something from Jane Eyre where she either feels isolated or unhappy (like your title).
I think that you chose a lot of interesting words to play with. In the first section, however, I feel like you used a lot of pronouns, which leaves it unclear to me who or what you’re talking about. Something that confuses me though, is that you use “us” and then “I” and then “we” again, which makes it unclear to me the point of view you’re writing from. Is it Antoinette, and then a universal solitary character? Also, part of the prompt says that we have to connect each section of our poem to the book. I think your first part fulfills that requirement; it’s just that confusion about who’s speaking that takes away from its “flowy-ness.” From the first stanza, this is what I understood of your poem: some people hate me, and I’m living unhappily in Hell right now, but I wash my hands clean of hate.
In the second section, I automatically notice a point of view shift or at least a change in the maturity of the speaker. She/ he (not sure) is in love that involves secrets that quickly bring the marriage apart. I like how you extended the comparison of the sweet honeymoon like a distant sea on fire, giving a deeper sense of what the marriage was actually like. I’m a little confused at the end of the stanza, though. The speaker sells his/her soul and then you say when sad things happen there is madness. That doesn’t really flow or explain much. You left me thinking what sad things? A marriage ending? That’s one thing. And madness? What kind of madness? She turns crazy because of a divorce? Is the dying and the sleeping madness? Again, you want this section to represent the second section in the book, and I think this is good, it’s just not finished or fully developed.
The third section brings me back to a feeling of isolation in a cardboard box. The lack of light, the “cold” and the “cruelty” creates great imagery of what it feels like to live in that cardboard box. I feel really cold throughout the whole stanza. I love the line “nights and days, too far gone, slipping through my fingers.” The rest of the stanza seem to sum up the whole book for me: “time has no meaning,” “we have so little.” And the last few lines create an image in my head of someone walking into a new world with a little guide called a candle searching for answers. I don’t think I’d change anything about this stanza.
So now that I’ve walked you through each stanza, I’m going to go along the rubric. So first, Insight. I definitely think the third stanza was the best in getting some insight across. The middle one was lacking a bit in some kind of point that contributes to the whole theme.
Epigraph- Well, there isn’t one right now, but I’m sure that you can find a quote that sums up what you’re trying to say.
Figurative language- The last stanza was the best, as it flowed the best. The other stanzas had good words but it often seemed like they were just put there together in a paragraph.
Title/Subtitles- Like most of us, yours didn’t have any.
Structure- Organized in three stanzas corresponding to the three sections in the book. You did use complete sentences. However, it may have flowed better and become more effective if you used enjambment to carry your ideas to the next line.
Melopoeia- Like I said, enjambment would help in the “musicality” of the poem along with a more developed technique in the second stanza.
Phanopoeia- This was well observed in your last stanza. Your poem would me that much more effective if you could duplicate this feeling in the other two stanzas.
Logopoeia- Like I’ve been saying, the last stanza really provided the insight of the poem for me. But to make this poem better, I would almost add some of that meaning into the other stanzas so that together they make a strong point instead of letting one section do that.
In response to the poem:
“I remember (39) the (26) dream (27)
Break her up (154) they (39) say (43)
Force her to (145) beg (154)
Force her to (145) cry (154)
Force her to (145) speak (154)
Her (40) voice (184) turned (107) hoarse (148)
Whispering (40) a (45) very lonely sound (70)
“So (44) this is Massacre (66)
Their (77) eyes (18) black with flies (18)
I want (80) to (91) wake up (80)
Coralita Coralita (80) anxious to please (68)
Overgrown (19) and (18) choked (59) with (19) pink (109) and (18) green (70) leaves (19)
Twisting (39) and (18) struggling (41) above (178) her (18) head (39)
Whispering (40) lies (125) when (179) she (95) sleeps (179) in (83) her (170) bed (190)
The rumors (178) you (159) tell (158) are (68) foolish (92) and (18) extreme (69)
Force her to (145) cry (154) out (40) and (18) break (154) up (154) and (18) see (24)
Everything was (57) dark (57) her face (114) against (39) the wall (114)
Beautiful things, (86) sad destinies, (86)
madness (94) they (38) are (68) carrying. (116)
The (38) story (82) of (143) Antoinette (65) will (96) leave (110) her (18) with (18) nothing (93)
So this is (66) madness (94)
I will die (170) with (19) blank lonely eyes (170)
I (170) beg (154) for (17) you (159) to (145) give me peace (79)
With (18) this (66) knife (183) brilliantly lit (79) with (18) moonlight (92)
Will (96) they come? (20)
Am (61) I (133) a zombie? (107)
Exhausted (107) and (18) ruined (107)
The (61) candle (190) Will () light (138) the dark passage (190)
And (18) I (133) will (96) wake up (80) at (61) last (190)
Well, The overall deconstruction of the poem resembles an hourglass structure to it, in the first stanza, it expresses the gloomy details of the dream that the speaker describes. The stanza involves the repetitive use of the “force” which implies the control of the dream towards the subject that the speaker narrates of the mysterious woman referred as “her”. The meter of the first stanza is rather mixed; the free verse is what the author wanted to go with on the stanza. The syntax falls in the category of being complex, since the author strives to incorporate the cited words into a new order. In one’s attempt not to get over oneself, however, the first stanza of the power parallels to the conclusion of the poem.
Next the author seems to possess several point of enjambment that was present in the poem such as overlapping sentences that flows from one line towards the next and through this method; it has a permeated effect that cast the illusion of a flowing poem. Next, the second stanza possesses a disciplined rhyme scheme where in it goes on an ababababab platform. In the second stanza, the speaker sets a cryptic tone in which the compound syntax determines the whole dream-like narrative of the speaker that performs as a device to magnify the desperation in the occasion of the speaker. The audience’s assumption of whether the speaker is “plague” or disturbed by her dreams as well the “rumors” (178) that occupies her like twisting leaves around her head. The purpose that the author tries to accomplish through her syntax and language is the incorporation of these tools to create the feeling of desperation.
Finally the third and final stanza exhibits the aftermath of both previous stanzas wherein the tone then shifts to a lethargic tone when the shift starts with “So” as to finally come to rest with the horrid dream
The poem I recieved was titled WSS Poem, which I don't think is actually what the poet intended to name it...
Anyway it starts
"My moher(17) was a Martinique girl (1)"
She pretty like pretty self (13)
If the first line of the poem is supposed to be the epigraph, it doesn't really cover the the theme of the poem. It is a good start if the poet is looking to begin with the mother, then shift to the daughter.
This poem seems to be all about the story itself, and it begins with the focus on her mother. At the end of the second subsection, it switches to Antoinette/Bertha herself.
As for rich, interesting words, I think this poet definitely could have done better. Wide Sargasso has so many powerful, vivid words that really stand out on some pages, and I feel that this poet just tried really hard to make grammatical sense. Not that that isn't important, but I think that the poem needs to be a bit more beefy in that department. There are lines such as "I was in Hell" and "The Jamaican town had gone mad" but other than that nothing outstanding. Same for literary techniques. Those always go hand in hand, so I think if more colorful words were used, metaphors, imagery and similes would start to bloom as well. There is definitely a shift between the subject of he poem. But over all, there is a lonely tone, when the poet uses lines like "They never approved of us" and "It was the start of our sweet honeymoon/ leave me alone, I thought".
I don't think this was intentional, but there is one rhyme in the second subsection- "She never smiled/until Mr. Mason came/The Jamaican town had gone wild" that was surprising. In that particular part there is some evident expirementing wih enjambment, as well as some more in the third subsection.
A constant mood to the overall poem is definitely estrangement and lonliness. It ends with "I was in Hell/ It was all over". I feel that since that is evident and a very strong theme in Wide Sargasso itself, this poet should definitely try to include that a little more.
The speaker is Antoinette/ Bertha. The speaker seems slightly nostalgic, and very lonely, which is quite accurate to the character in the novel. There is no specific audience, I just think she is recounting her memories as she often does in the novel. The poem is the story in sequence, and the rollercoaster of emotions that take over due to the extreme changes she goes through.
Besdies a couple of missing lines, and titles, I think this poem simply wasn't given enough time. If thought about a little more, this could be much juicier. I think the poet really needs to focus on specifics, and really plan out what she is trying to say.
Overall, nice draft!
peace!
"Slavery" is the poem that I had to review.
The author used very strong words, and I felt that alone, they were very well chosen. However, the only thing that got to me about this poem is the message was quite unclear. I wasn’t quite sure what exactly the author was trying to say about the section. The fluidity of the words was not that fluent; I felt that some of the phrases were just thrown in there. However, I loved the word choice.
In the first stanza, I liked the repetition in lines 3-5 where the speaker says how she’s “not like other people, not like white nigger, not like black nigger”. I think those lines really focus in on how isolated the speaker feels, and the sense of not belonging to any other group of people. The repetition of “pity me” in the last 9-12 lines also was a great idea. I really felt like the speaker was actually talking to me, and the last line when she says she pities herself, and she cries for herself, again, shows how isolated she feels.
By the second stanza, I believe that the speaker changes. I had to read it a couple more times to fully understand it, but I think it was pretty obvious that the speaker was Rochester. I absolutely loved the word choice in this stanza. By carefully choosing words such as “savage”, “deceived”, “bewitched”, “Disgust and rage”, I felt that I could understand the speaker and see through his eyes how “wild” she was.
In the last stanza, it was a little confusing as to where the last stanza ended and when the third one started. The speaker was a little fuzzy; I wasn’t really quite sure who was speaking, either it was Annette speaking or Grace? I was confused because the speaker kept mentioning Bertha, as if they were observing the whole thing. Or maybe, the author was trying to create a ‘crazy’ tone, from which Annette was speaking from. The last few words were very powerful; I felt that the “Ghost of a woman” was very well chosen. Bravo! =]
As for the title, I’m wondering how ‘slavery’ fits into this whole poem. Maybe the author was trying to infer different stages of her life that confined her, or felt that she was ‘enslaved’. For example, the isolation that she faces as a child, the mental disorder she suffers from, and actually being incarcerated could all be stages in her life where she feels restricted and confined.
This is a very well written poem, and I feel that your word choices are very rich and well chosen. The thing I’d suggest you word on is the fluidity of the words, and that will probably make your message more obvious.
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The first poem is only four lines long and does not fulfill the requirements given. The third poem is nowhere to be found. The second poem is the only one that is close (nine lines) to fulfilling the requirements.
There is no title and I did not understand either the purpose or effect of the epigraph. The language is not rich in context or in placement. The writer seems to attempt to use symbolism on the word “darkness” but fails to focus on it enough for it to take meaningfulness. I also do not feel an established mood or tone. It sound sounds jumpy and the ideas do not seem to flow as they should. The line breaks could be much smoother and more well integrated such as lines 3 “There are only whispers” and 4 “darkness”. There are no visible, or noticeable, traces of any sound devices such as rhyme, meter, repetition, or onomatopoeia. I do not see how the sound contributes to the meaning. I, as the reader, see the main topic of this poem to be about how ‘she’ is alone and sad, and vengeful of the one who made her the way she is. The poem is very unclear of the theme and the topics are not well developed. I Can not tell who the speaker is, but if I were to connect it to the novel I would say that it is Christophine. The occasion, purpose, tone, and subject are still very vague and undeveloped.
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The poem given to me was “Underneath the Tropical Paradise” and just beginning with the title, I thought it was very well chosen. It suggests that all is not well although it may appear to be on the surface. The Poem describes what is underneath this seemingly “tropical paradise”. I’m not too sure what the first epigraph has to do with the poem since it is speaking of the spirit and the flesh, essentially of religion. The poem was created to demonstrate the speaker’s isolation and difference and the variety of carefully and well chosen words used, highlight the speaker’s pain. I didn’t feel as if the first epigraph added anything meaningful to the poem or provided deeper understanding of the poem. But, I thought the second epigraph not only connected to the poem, but gave me a speaker as well. I almost felt as if it was Rochester stating those words, giving him reason or excuses to put Antoinette behind him.
The first stanza of the poem almost makes it seem as if it is an animal or bug speaking. The speaker calls themself a “white cockroach” and there are discriminatory undertones of race in this stanza. The reader has this feeling that the speaker is a bug and not accepted by another race, therefore the speaker lives “solitary” in a “wild garden”. I thought the words chosen for this stanza were powerful and communicated this message of a morbid speaker who is alone and even a little insane. The repetition of the words “Go away” are words the speaker has heard uttered to her and wishes to block out. The whole first stanza is almost seen as a hurtful experience for the speaker who now wishes for solitude. I really liked the enjambment of the poem because it also gives the speaker a creepy tone of someone who can’t quite finish their words and who’s trying to block out painful memories by “leaving for the unknown forest.”
The second stanza changes speaker and I like that even though the sections don’t have titles, this is easy to notice. When the second speaker in the second section speaks of taking her away and calls her a “memory to be avoided,” it’s clear to me that the speaker is Rochester. Once again, the words chosen convey a different feeling than the first stanza, but are just as powerful. The second epigraph figures in the second section strongly with this idea of remorse. The speaker feels remorse for his actions, but excuses himself of that remorse later on in the stanza so now the reader is getting a sense of these character’s pasts. The speakers seem traumatized and they are trying to bury their past. I thought it was nice how the poem didn’t rhyme because it added to the creepiness of the poem and there is no sing-song quality to it that would give the poem qualities of a sonnet or love poem.
The third stanza switches speaker again and once more, even though the sections aren’t titled, it’s easy to tell. The speaker in the third stanza once again calls herself “white cockroach” and from the words used, there is this heavy feeling hanging over the third stanza of identity. The speaker is in an unfamiliar environment and feels lost not only physically, but emotionally disconnected from herself as well. I liked how the author used the repetition with the color red, which makes the poem even more morbid and the last stanza is full of imagery to help along the speaker’s feeling of depression and loneliness. Well, all in all, I thought this poem very well written with its stunning choice of words; not just filler words, but rich vocabulary taken from throughout the novel. The reader gets a sense that the author really thought about her poem and how it would best fit to Wide Sargasso Sea with its creepy and melancholy tone and the different speakers.
Plus, all the requirements are fulfilled, which is always a good thing.
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