Round Two of Poem Critiques
Here's your space for our second round of poetry critique....
posted by Ms. Clapp @ 2:59 PM
17 comments
Here's your space for our second round of poetry critique....
posted by Ms. Clapp @ 2:59 PM
17 comments
17 Comments:
While I loved this poem’s use of imagery, the use of colors in particular, I was confused. I reread it a few times, and was still unsure of a lot of vital elements.
Beginning with the first section; the title “The Servant” gave me a clue as to what to expect when reading. However, I was unsure of whether the servant was the subject or the speaker. The lines: “Burn, crazy cockroach./The hate! Fire!/What? Afraid, brute?” made me confused in this sense; I didn’t know whether the speaker was discussing the servant, the servant was commanding someone else, or the servant was saying this to himself. Because of the last two lines, “You live like a sun protected dream,/better than people.” I have reason to believe that here the servant is scorning at his master’s easy lifestyle, while the servant himself is filled with suffering. However, I could be completely off here.
I’m not sure of the speaker of the second section is Rochester, but it certainly seemed to describe Rochester during his first attempt at marrying Jane. This could just be an odd coincidence though, for previously my peer editor thought the speakers/subjects of my poem were characters of Wide Sargasso Sea, while they were really not at all. When the speaker of the poem referred to “savage appearance” and “alien eyes”, I believed he was the master using these words to describe his servant. However, as I said before, I was very confused as to who the speaker and subjects were.
The third section to me seemed to be how the different speakers of the two previous sections regarded each other. Overall, I like the poem’s language, and use of imagery and enjambment, but I need the speaker, servant, and themes need to be made more clear; I didn’t really know what the purpose of the poem was.
While I the poem I got used a lot of colorful and interesting words, I found that overall it was rather stilted by the lack of grammar, and didn’t really get the overall message or theme that the poem was supposed to carry out. The title of the poem is “Dreams,” but the epigraph, taken from a passage of Jane Eyre, to me at least reflected being trapped in a situation that you could not escape; I wasn’t sure if the author used the passage with the purpose of juxtaposing the idea of escaping the situation by a dream, or if it was there as the actual situation that the reader was placed in, and how they wish it was a dream.
The first stanza, titled “Forgotten at Peace,” was rather accurate, although I didn’t see so at first. The way the first line was structured made me think the opposite at first; by saying that “I ran away under the frangipani tree,” I at first thought that the reader ran away from the tree, and into the chaos that was the “heavy rain” and “destruction” around them. I will be repeating this throughout, but the poem reads almost in a primal fashion, with lines like “Scent was very sweet, / great splashes of sunlight, / underneath the tree.” Perhaps that was the style the author was trying to convey, but as I read it, the poem lost the flow and ebb and was rather jumpy.
The second stanza, titled “Lucky,” was rather confusing, for me at the least. I didn’t really connect the title with the poem, since the first line states that “I’m afraid it did spoil blanks in my mind,” which seems rather unlucky by the terminology if you ask me. Again, the lack of connecting words (Rain began to drip down, / felt cool, smooth against my skin. / my heart feels for escape. / “To happiness!” / Rain was not heavy.) made me confused, and I didn’t really understand the meaning behind it at all.
“Long in the Moonlight,” the final stanza, seemed to me to focus on mistakes, using the moon to personify the mistakes that the reader seemed to make, being a “broken full moon” in a “yellow-red sky,” which to me seemed to translate as mistakes they made while in the heat of passion, considering yellow-red brings to mind the image of fire. The last line, which states that “but vengeance is mine,” seemed somewhat random to me, especially if I were to take in the whole title of the poem once more. Overall, while I like the word choice that the author used, as well as the imagery, the overall theme, flow, and connection between the poem and their respective titles weren’t really clear; I’m afraid I wasn’t really able to understand the purpose of poem.
This poem to me was beautiful, no better way to say.
In the first stanza I'd like to comment on the use of vocabulary which really helped me feel like I was in Bertha's place myself. The words "pity me", "pity me for my mothers funeral". I loved her use of words about sadness and how she didn't need it from others. That all she needed was her sorrow and that she didn't need anyone to feel for her because feeling for herself was really enough. It's like she's telling the reader that she didn't need anyone but herself. I liked the fact that not every word as well really fit together at one point. Like when you say "Saw myself not like other people Not like white nigger". I liked that these words don't fit structerly all well but it enhances how the poem is to be done.
In the second stanza Rochester takes the speakers role and is scolding her, her beauty, her love, and everything with it. I love the use of words in this poem it's very strong. All the hate words such as "Disgust, rage deceived" all these words show how angry he is with all of this. Angry at her madness that he let himself be "bewitched" by her madness. What I didn't quiet understand is this line "Life gives me no rest". Like I really didn't understand how that tied in with this section.
In the last stanza, I didn't quiet get was at first when the poem talks about Antionette getting married to Rochester it's all great and magical. However, later on it's explained that he has to unwed her due to her madness however that a part of him inside was forever destroyed. But within the novel itself that could have fit but I felt that a part of Rochester never really was destroyed. Like when he talks about the ghost of Antoinette and that she was taken over by madness, and at first being in Jamaica it explains how much he loved her and loved her fire, and then later when he moves back to England it showed that he saw her as crazy. Thus showing this ghost of whom she was and also referring himself to have lost this piece of himself during the process almost like he was dead inside.
The poem that I got was titled Invisibility, Madness, Losing Oneself.
Im just going to start with the title saying that it is very blunt. Each one of the word is a theme that runs through each one of the stanzas. It seems too general and I think to improve the title, the author could think of a word or a phrase of words to use for a title that can stand for the poem as a whole.
As I read through the poem, I could feel the pain that the speaker was going through over this man who did many things wrong to her. I feel that the speech and the diction is very descriptive. When the author says "the rain fell more heavily as time went on" and "our new home we shared was cold at night, the day sometimes seemed colder" the audience is able to see the desperation through weather which is a bog thematic element in Wide Sargasso Sea. I also thought that the speaker is very strong in the poem and seems to be telling the story of Antionette from Wide Sargasso Sea.
There is no epigraph, but I feel that there are many things that the author of this poem can use because of what their poem is about and how the theme is so strong.
The main thing that is obviously noticed about the poem is that the words and phrases were not cited but I figured that the author of the poem already realized that. They should just make sure they cite their words and make sure all the words they used can be found in the book and that the phrases don't exceed the four-word maximum.
Overall the poem is very interesting and descriptive but just needs some minor tweaking such as citing the words and phrases from the book.
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Title: "This Is Good-Bye"
Amazing poem--very original!
-Missing an epigraph
-Missing subsection titles
-Third section is only 9 lines (should be at least 10)
The line "better than people"(28) in the first section, should be altered, since it doesn't quite make flow with the line "not like other women"(20) which is a few lines before it. I don't see how "women" who are "people" can be better than "people," since they ARE "people"...you know what I mean? You should say something in reference to the women, like "them"...just so that you can clearly reveal the narrator's thoughts...they feel as though they are "not like other women" (20)...okay?
Another thing that I think you need to rework, is the fact that the speaker is saying that they are "better than people"(28) and then in the next few lines, the speaker goes on to say that they were "dangerous and cruel"(33)...these send out completely opposite messages about the people…we see how the narrator is saying that they are "dangerous and cruel"(33), and yet they believe that they ARE "more alive"...this seems to be something shocking and strange...contradictory to what would be expected...I like the SHOCK factor that it gives.
OKAY, I am a bit confused now, this different interpretation came to me about the first section… do you mean that the women feel that they are better than the typical group of “quiet”(21) women, and that they are “hated”(31) because they are “cruel”(33), and yet although they appear to be doing wrongs, by others, they themselves feel as though they are the BEST people? I am kind of lost with this. Like, who is “quiet young, abandoned”(21)?...the speaker or the “other women”??? Whichever purpose you had for the section…you should try to make it a bit clearer :)
I absolutely love the line saying "a frown came between"(20), it just clicks and creates this image in my mind...it kind of reminds me of the whole cloud appearing in a perfectly sunny sky...or rain all of a sudden starting on a beautifully sunny day...it was great. The "more alive than you"(32) is so powerful...I LOVE that you put this in. Nice work with that one.
For the second section, the lines that I honestly did not feel fit are:
"alien, disturbing"(87)
"enemy trees(105), razor sharp," (105)
"mounes mors" (107)
...if these lines could be replaced with phrases that could help support the greater subject of this section...make it more clear...I feel that this section could be perfect...I love how you revealed the image of a beautiful girl being given a bad life, and then its pointed out that another woman knows about "all"(86) having horrible fates.
The third section, I believe there is a typo in the first line "The knew"(177), instead of "They knew"
...other than that, this was a great spooky little end to the poem...it gives it this gloomy fade...everything just fading away.
SO…from this poem, I got, from the first section, a bunch of women being different from most… from the second section, I saw people unexpectedly being destined to horrible fates…and finally, from the final section, I got the idea of being alone and just sinking into despair. You also created great imagery through the selection of words like, “flourished”(19) and “razor sharp”(105). I see how these sections could relate to the novel, Jane Eyre...each section DOES relate to the situations that exist in the book.
AWESOME JOB!
"Imprisonment"
I wanted to start off by saying that the epigraph matches the poem perfectly. The idea of "imprsonment" which is presented throughout the poem is so strongly portrayed in the epigraph the reader can easily relate the passage to the poem.
I would like to point out the putting together of words quoted by Mr. Rochester.
He said “Open your eyes! your sad, dark, alien eyes!
I don’t want you worthless girl!”
I thought that this integration of his feelings and actual motives were portrayed very cleverly in this little excerpt. Each word has a different page number and it had a reading between the lines kind of effect, which I belived fit the idea of the project perfectly.I also liked how the poem switched from the women talking about herself and feelings and then switching to "he" in the second stanza and back to herself in the third.
One thing i noticed that in certain lines, there were some words missing. Not big words just little connecting words here and there particualrly in line 20 the word "did" should be after He. Also there is a couple places in the poem where punctuation could be used or actaully taken out. A couple places are a little choppy and I had to reread lines over a couple times.
As a whole I think that the poem is very well written. The second stanze imparticular really exposes the true feelings of Mr. Rochester which I think is done bluntly and that is exactly how blunt he was with showing Antoinette he really didn't care. Also in the thrid stanza antoinette's broken heart is as obvious as it is in the book without actually saying it.
To the poet who wrote Storm on the Summer Sea,
I think the easiest way to do this is by splitting it up into your three sections of the poem, so here we go...
First part:
Your subtitle is interesting, it makes me think that the speaker is looking back at this moment with her mother, and reflecting upon it, I hope that this is correct. What I found that you did very well in this section was that you really used your quotations carefully to illustrate a story to the audience. I feel very empathetic to the speaker during this section especially with your use of words like "hated me", "never approved", "white cockroach go away", "die and be forgotten". I really get the sense of feeling alienated and all alone, which is very clearly portrayed. What I dont feel like I really understand are the first four lines of this section. It is full of imagery with words like "splashes", "color", "green", and your repeated use of the word "peace" makes me think this is supposed to juxtapose the pain seen following this, however I dont understand how it relates to the speaker? Has the speaker now come to peace, and is looking back at how her mother treated her? I think this could be cleared up a bit.
Second Part:
I think that you did a really nice job on this section in that you use a lot of imagery and descriptive wording in an almost stream of conciense sort of way, to show the reader how overwhelmed the speaker is with emotion for their paradise. I think all of your word choicing here is really powerful, and it is ordered very strategically so I wouldn't change anything for this beginning part. I do like how you spaced out different sections amoung your three different parts of the poem, and I find it a nice way to have multiple things going on in between the three larger ideas all working at once... the next portion of your poem threw me off as it really contradicted the opening, which leads me to beleive the subtitle "welcome to paradise" is ironic. From the story we see take place, someone dies, presumably the previous speakers mother perhaps? But in any rate it is clear that a climax in the speaker's life is seen at this point. I really like the repetition you used with "I watched her die", which may also represent the speaker watching herself die? I guess that is open for interpretation =] The last line of this section, "There is no God." is a very bold statement which really stands out amoung the rest of your lines, so I hope that this is what you are really trying to emphasize, it works well but its depressing.... (haha).
Third:
I am assuming that this can be seen as a reaction to the character seeing the death of the second part, or the after effects or something...maybe they aren't even related at all (i'll talk about how i feel about your section connections in a moment...), however I feel as though this section, "internal flame", has some really nice imagery going on, especially with words like "flickering", "scorched", "shivering" I feel as though perhaps the speaker grows angry as a result of a death, or maybe is finding comfort in some way because at the end they dont feel "so cold".
In general:
I feel as though your poem really reads like a good story, however I feel like it is three different stories, and I can relate them together, but I feel like I am really trying to do so, maybe you want to make them relate easier? I feel as though the powerful mood changes of despression, to sadness, to comfort are very apparent, but I dont feel as though all three sections quite lead in to each other, unless that is how you intend it to be. I also cant put my finger on an overall purpose for this poem... like i get the individual meanings, but taking a shot in the dark I would say the overall meaning has something to do with recovering from depression? I'm not sure.
I think you did a really nice job, and your poems seems to really flow in terms of gramatically, I tend to not notice that the words are not your own, which is really essential in this assignment.
Good job!
Ok so the one who has the title for the first section is called “Who Knows” you didn’t have a epigraph.
So for the first section I thought it was kind of vague the first five lines are awkward in that stanza, I know what you are trying to say, but I think the wording can be changed. The last lines I think are better and give that section of the poem a better flow, but change the wording of the first five lines.
For the second part I thought it was great you don’t have similes or metaphors, but you chose great words to get your point across of Rochester and how he makes Antoinette feel.
For the last section I thought it was great also. Once again you use rich descriptions derived from the book and gets the point of across of Antoinette’s emotions and her surroundings in England. The poem itself is good, but there is a certain flow you created and first five lines of the poem are worded awkwardly and it doesn’t go with the flow of the poem. Read it out loud a couple of times. Also don’t forget to pick an epigraph.
First off, I love the title of this poem. “My mad girl (166), my lunatic (166)”. Not only does it capture the idea of rochester being responsible of her madness, but also lets the reader know that this poem is most likely from Rochester’s point of view. Also I loved the imagery throughout this poem. The author used such vivid imagery such as “gold sunlight”, “sunshine” then shifted to a colder register with “silence” and “melancholy” and “lamentation”, and finally to an even darker mood with words like “darkness,” “shivering” “colder” no flame” “poor creature”. All these words were carefully chosen in order to truly express the message given throughout each section.
The dialogue in the first stanza was a little difficult to differentiate who was speaking at first; I had to read it a couple times. I loved the choice word in the last line, though. I loved reading the difference between the first draft and the second one, I think by changing the point of view was vital in making it flow much better. The second stanza was in a sense “unreal like a dream”. By the choice of words, it seemed almost like you were in a dream, and bunch of things were just throwing themselves at you like “discomfort and melancholy, tears and lamentation”. The “not now!” and “not yet!” was a little puzzling though…I wasn’t sure whether the author put that in there to point something out deliberately. Also, the overall message of the second stanza, I wasn’t quite sure of. The mood and tone was definitely clear, however, the message the author is trying to display here about this section of the book is a little fuzzy. Also, I wasn’t quite sure who the speaker was in this stanza. Or maybe it was the author’s point to leave it ambiguous. The third stanza, I felt was the strongest and most effective of the three. The switching up of “nights and days” to “days and nights” was very creative, and definitely showed the extensive and emptiness of being locked up. I don’t think you need to do anything to the third stanza, honestly. I felt that you did a very good job on that. =]
I don’t really know what to start, so I guess I’ll start with the titles! The overall title, “Coralita Coralita” was a bit unoriginal, since you went in depth about Coralitas in the second stanza, but don’t really continue this metaphor throughout the poem. If you could somehow incorporate it in the first stanza, I think it would be great (or maybe just change the title?). The epigraph was very informative, though! I can understand the connection between Antoinette and a Coralita. As for the subsection titles, “What Was”, “What Is”, “What Will Be”, I felt they fit your stanzas well but again I thought they were kind of boring.
Moving on! In the first stanza, I enjoy the reflecting narrative. I’m assuming that the narrator is Antoinette and she is going through her experiences. I’m not quite sure what perspective this would be considered, I think this is limited omniscience. This point-of-view exemplifies the sense that Antoinette has no power over her life, by telling the story through others’ actions. Also, the repetition of “Force her to…” was a nice touch. The repetition of that phrase seems to have increasing impact (or Antoinette’s decreasing power) with each “Force her to…”. By saying that this was a dream also enforces the idea that she does not have any power, since you cannot control what goes on in a dream. The last line, “Antoinette, (65) wake up! (80)”, brings Antoinette back to the second stanza where it’s back to first person narrative, showing that she in charge.
I really enjoyed the imagery in the second stanza. Coralita, as I said before, stands as a metaphor for Antoinette, where they are stuck in “waste places”. The line “Beautiful things, (86) sad destinies; (86) goes well with this comparison. While both Coralita and Antoinette are beautiful, they both suffer being discarded (Antoinette by Mr. Rochester and “bunches of coralita are thrown in coffins”). I noticed that this is also the only stanza with a rhyme scheme: aabbcc…, which was nice. However, in lines 3 and 4, Antoinette refers to herself as “her”, but then it switches back to first person narrative. I’m just wondering where you are going with this.
This last stanza is very powerful to me. The multiple questions, “Will they come? (20)/Is (128) it (114) too late for (116) that?(106)”, really expresses Antoinette’s madness. The mention of “knife” (4) and “candle” (9), are symbols of Antoinette’s power over Mr. Rochester, her ability to harm him more than he can harm her anymore. The last line, “And (18) I (133) will (96) wake up (80) at (61) last (190)”, also shows that she will bring out her forcefulness and expose her domination.
Overall, this poem is great with a great flow and a good grasp of literary elements that enforces each theme. Only problem is as I said before is perhaps the title choices, and maybe the focus of perspective in each stanza.
The poem I received is titled, "The Salvation Found In Death".
The epigraph, "Amen; even so, come, Lord Jesus!", makes sense after reading the poem through and getting an understanding. It connects to the speakers forlorn and pathetic tone throughout the poem.
Starting with the first stanza; I liked the subtitle "naive" for this stanza because it matches what was written in the stanza. The staza screams "innocence", especially the line "Keep me safe". The only issue/confusing thing about this stanza is line 5, "She bent down and yelled 'I'll kill you!". It seems to be an odd jump from the previous lines. Maybe inroducing it or building up to it would help it fit into the stanza better.
The second stanza gives the reader a sense of the speakers true feelings, especially within the first two lines,
"It was all over
I was married".
The contrast in the speakers feelings and her husbands are well represented throughout and the speakers somber tone is evident. For instance, in the last lines of the stanza it says, "I have sold to him my sad heart. Isn't that enough?". Overall I thought that this stanza worked well and that it connected to its subtitle, "trying", as the speaker is trying to deal with their unhappy situation.
The third stanza was a bit confusing. It skips around between past and present, which breaks up the flow of the stanza. Despite that, the repetitive questions, "Why am I here? When? Where?", relay the speakers sense of being "Lost" (subtitle), and the confusion they feel.
Overall, it is a nice poem. It is easy to understand and easy to interpret the "mood" of the poem. I really liked how well the subtitles matched the sections of the poem and the only continuous problem throughout the whole poem is some missing punctuation. Punctuation can be important to the way the poem flows so, try reading through the poem and find out where sentences should end. Experiment with enjambment and end-stopping.
“Is that Poem True?” written by Anonymous is a work that I chose to read in a solemn and inquisitive tone, to recapture the overall tone of Wide Sargasso Sea but also to follow suit with it’s title and proposed epigraph from Jane Eyre, 389. The question proposed by the title, “Is that Poem True,” I suppose parallels the question Rochester asks when he marries Antoinette, of whether this “fool’s paradise” he inhabits is real but also parallels Jane’s question of which life would be better, a “fevered with delusive bliss” or “suffocating with the bitterness of tears”. Parallel I believe is the word of the hour so I will continue to use it. Overall, the idea of the epigraph reflects well from the work.
Stanza one is definitely rich with nature register that captures the colors and freshness that is the setting of Wide Sargasso Sea. Stanza one: line 2, “silent night, deep and dark green” captures both the gloomy aspects of Wide Sargasso Sea but also in the midst of this, captures the beauty and rich freshness “dark green,” that is the setting. The author repeats this technique of reminding the reader where they are, but also how lonely this “fool’s paradise” is. In stanza one, line 4, “shrill and sweet, wild and serene,” juxtaposes the fresh atmosphere but looming loneliness that is scattered in the novel. The punctuations this author uses also creates an effect because line 6 “they burned the same;” connects to line 7 “flames shoot up,” creating this image of a brilliant fire and color that come with fire and connecting to the idea before the semi-colon. Line 10, “like moths and beetles to candlelight,” creates imagery but continuing, “Dead on the tablecloth (line 11) confused me because I wasn’t clear with what it had to do with the “golden ferns, silver ferns brightly colored/brightly lit”. I suggest that this author continue with this luminous imagery and not add “dead on the tablecloth” or leave it, if it’s an implied metaphor
Stanza two I believe is connected to stanza one because after reading the poem overall, I believe it’s a narrative. Rather than to characterize the environment as the author brilliantly did in stanza one, stanza two shifts to now focusing on an individual person, whom I assume is Antoinette, a “beautiful creature/with clipped wings”. Line 4, “with clipped wings,” is a bible allusion to an angel, however, with it’s wings clipped, I believe the author suggests that she is now earthly, no longer a descendant of heaven and her suitor should no longer have a problem obtaining her. However, the author proposes conflict; she is “too fragile and too unreal for her suitor”. This conflict adds to the narrative because it moves the story along. I’m not sure if he/she purposely created this poem is some sort of narrative but I would not change that because it makes the poem interesting but also gives the poem fluidity.
Stanza three is another connection to the two previous stanzas. And the author uses repetition of stanza one, line 1, “we are marooned” and replaces it in stanza three with “now we are marooned,” creating this idea of hopelessness that stanza one offered but stanza three makes finite, with the word “Now”. The grave diction of stanza three is wonderful because it’s a contrast from the beauty captured in stanza one and the conflict of stanza two. “Yes, we were all damned to sad destinies” again creating this idea of a realm with finite results.
As a suggestion, I’d like to know who the speaker of the poem was, or maybe it doesn’t matter. I believed that stanza one and two was a third period point of view. Stanza three shifts however because, it’s implied that Antoinette is talking because there’s a dialogue almost between the two. Overall, I was impressed with this fluid poem and would like to speak one on one with this author when it’s revealed who he or she may be.
The title of the poem is "Purgatory"
Your Epigraph: "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. "
I feel like you epigraph is well chosen and a good fit for your poem since I feel like you try to emphasize Antionette's decent into madness, though portraying her decent as something that is human. Also I like how you put Antionette between both heaven and hell, leaving her in a sort of purgatory which also serves to emphasize how close she lives her life to death.
As mentioned before there is much mention of heaven and hell as well as metaphors taht reference them. I feel like this is to put Antionette in a sort of limbo, that could also be a metaphor for her homeland and england (heaven and hell respectively.)I love how in the first section your setting is more of a hellish kind and seems during the night. The tone also compliments the setting as the speaker, Antionette, seems distressed and in fear. I also though it was interesting that in the beginning of the section Antionette is accompanied by her mother, but by the end of the section she is all alone- ending of the note that "I was in hell." which hints at her lonliness.
The second part is a complete contrast of the first as the setting is a snow covered vast land. Her tone is still confused but it seems to be more from isolation and of being lost. I could see the snow as a resemblence to heaven but also to limbo as the snowy setting gave me a very white picture in my head. Also since she mentions that she could "neither see heaven or hell" it's probably she's in a metaphorical limbo. The section achieves in showing the isolation of Anionetter from the her homeland as well as england, thus leaving her in a purgatory. I think there is a great choice of words and techniques which definitely aid in getting yoiur point across.
The third section, I felt, portrayed her complete decent into madness. The sentences become very short compared to the first two sections. There's definitely an angry and idignant tone here that seems to be directed towards Rochester. The her concluding statement, "The devil shrieked and laughed" is probably used to insinuate that she has ended up in hell. I really like that ending, it's a really nice touch!
There doesn't seem to be any problem when I read it out loud.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem and the heaven and hell metaphor is really cool. The only criticism I could really give is that maybe have a bit less dialogue and make it more cohesive, but then again, I see what your trying to portray since it's Antionette's decent into madness so her language is probably a bit off. Also it's probably a matter of taste. Other than that, I think you did a really good job!
The title of the poem I'm doing is called "Dear Bertha" which I think is a very clever title, and an interesting way to write a poem. So, going with that title, I think an appropriate epigraph would be necessary. After reading the poem, I thought of one from Jane Eyre (technically from the Bible), but it says, "The spirit, I trust, is willing, but the flesh, I see, is weak" (457).
So in the first section, because the title is "Submission" I was expecting it just to be from one person's point of view, which technically it is, but the quote brings in Rochester's ideas, and I think the first section of the book should represent just Antoinette's feelings instead of mixing it up. I like the idea that you have of first stating the champagne colored sea saying how she was half longing to look back. The title of the section shows how she truly is dependent on something, and you eventually tie in the sea, saying it was colder when you woke.
In the second section, I was surprised to see that you kept Antoinette as the narrator, or the "submissive" character. The title is "hating" but it's all about Antoinette having a different name, and you didn't say anuthing about hating it. So, I think the title would be better if you related it to the naming process, unless you wanted to suggest that she does hate it, and the title would be the means of communicating that. I like how you listed the different names, but I think that the line "that is not my name" is repeated too much. I like the repetition, but I think that it could be more effective if you said the same thing in different words. But overall, this section does represent one of the biggest conflicts in the second part, dealing with Antoinette's identity as a woman and a wife.
The third section starts with "I let her cry" making me think that Rochester was the speaker, but then the second line says "I'd listen to him." I'm a bit confused as you have different speakers in the same section... Here the title is "Breaking" but nothing in the section seems like it could break. I think you could think of something around letting him/her cry, or bringing grief.
Overall, I thought that the first section was the best as I felt it gave the most insight about a universal theme instead of the book, specifically. Without reading the book, I would have no idea what you were talking about in the second section. The third section is a bit confusing at the beginning, especially the first line. Maybe I just don't see the point of it as the rest of the section is in Antoinette's point of view. At first, I thought the title for the poem was well chosen, as it would reflect ideas that the speaker would want to communicate to Bertha, but I felt like it doesn't really relate after reading all three sections. Nothing was said to "bertha" as the person who is speaking (I think) is called Bertha by Rochester. So basically, I think with a few adjustments of titles, your poem would make a lot more sense.
The title of this poem is "Underneath the Tropical Paradise," and the epigraph is: "Remorse is the poison of Life" (Jane Eyre, 114).
What first caught my attention from this poem was the title. Immediately I assumed that this was Antoinette's (Bertha's) point of view on being taken away from her 'tropical paradise.' Knowing what happens to her in WSS, from the title I either get that she will be nostalgic or, that in fact the poem will be about Bertha's childhood or early life, before she was taken away from 'the Tropical paradise.'
However, I am a bit confused as to the meaning of a few of the lines, especially in the first section. I believe this is Antoinette's narrative of how she feels with Rochester. I thought it was brilliant how you had her comment that she finds comfort in the walls because they never tell her to go away (obviously implying that Rochester does). What confuses me is that it seems like the stanza is all over the place. The poem's opening line (excluding the epigraph) seems weak or just irrelevant. It starts "A solitary life in my wild garden." It feels as if this is Antoinette's experience towards the end of her life, when I think it should instead reflect what the rest of the stanza is about, which is her early/middle encounters with Rochester. Also, the line "White cockroach, alone." confused me as it suggests that Rochester is the lonely one and that he should be pitied. I do not think this is what you were aiming for here. The line "Money. Obeah. Blood. Curses. Death." also confused me severely... I believe that you were trying to use these words to describe what lies 'beyond that red wall' (which I took as a metaphor to what lies beyond marriage for Antoinette.) However, this uncertainty and fear of the future would mean that the poem is being told from a point of view before Rochester and Antoinette were married, which is not the time period/point of view the rest of the stanza is in. I think that you can still use the lines that don't match up, but in different parts of the stanza or in the other stanzas.
The second stanza seems much more organized. It depicts Rochester's emotions and regrets towards marrying Antoinette (through his point of view) and his new life. I absolutely love the death imagery, it very effectively depicts that Rochester feels it impossible to survive in such a 'harsh' environment. What I loved most was the irony that exists between what Rochester fears may happen to him (dying because of his environment) and what actually happens to Antoinette when she is taken away from her home (she dies from her environment!) I think you could play a little more with this irony to show the selfishness in Rochester a bit more.
The very last stanza of the poem is much more brief than the other two and depicts the death of Antoinette (whether mentally or physically, I do not believe it is clear.) I think that this is the point in her life where Antoinette stops trying to fight Rochester as she realizes it is futile and gives up on her life. There is certainly an apathetic tone to the stanza which helps to portray this. I am not sure why "red" is repeated, as it is more of a motif in Jane Eyre (with the Red Room) than in WSS, so the allusion may not be relevant, I'm not sure.
Overall, it is an effective poem that seems to take the entirety of WSS and bring it to a page long, poetic version. I would play a little bit with the organization of stanzas and reconsider some of the words that are repeated to see if there really is a purpose to repeating them.
I thought the title and epigraph were very well used in My mad girl, My lunatic. It is in the point of view of Rochester. It clearly shows how Rochester is the cause of her madness, without reading too deep into it.
“I said (24) ‘You imagine enmity’ (32)She sighed, (27) ‘Feeling safe (17) belonged to the past’ (17)”
This part does not really make sense to me, is she commenting back? Enmity means hate, but I don’t understand why her line is there. I like the use of enmity instead of hate, though. The poet has strong word choice, using mature words, like “delighted” instead of “happy” and “malice” instead of hatred. The structure, however, seems to be purposely unorganized, with a stream on consciousness. In my opinion, it was a good decision; it makes the poem more powerful. I am confused with it though, because it seems like Rochester is going crazy himself, unless I misinterpreted wrong. There is great imagery in the poem.
The poet also uses irony when using the words, “There’s (166) No more love. (153)”, Rochester and Antoinette did not love each other, they lusted for each other. “Die then! Die!” is he telling her to die? I also don’t understand the “‘Not Now!’ (90)‘Not Yet!’ (90)” Is the speaker saying that he does not want her to go crazy? Using the word, yet would mean that it is fine for her to go crazy later on. This emphasizes how Rochester’s cruelty in Wide Sargasso Sea.
The line “time has no ending”, was very clever. The end was interesting. “If she dies, (177) who will get blame? (177)” It seems like the speaker does somewhat care about the lunatic when he says “Poor creature (184)” but the last line contrasts that. It sounds like he only cares if its his fault. Very good ending.
Overall, the poet’s poem was very well thought out. There were parts that were a little blurry for me in understanding, but I don’t think there should be much to fix.
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