Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Second Essay for Comment

So here's our second lottery winner. Please comment - same rules apply as for the first one. The essay is in the comment section.

21 Comments:

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Ms. Clapp said...

Eeni Meeni Minee Mo

In "Where are you going and where have you been" by Joyce Carol Oates, the main character Connie lives a rebellious double life. Still a teenager, Oates establishes Connie as being in the middle of two worlds: childhood and adulthood. Oates uses symbolism of the restaurant, June and the symbolic action of crossing the highway to convey Connie's existence in a temporary purgatory stage before her fall. Oates uses this symbolism of her purgatory stage to convey the idea that Connie, like everyone else, is able to make their own decision but will eventually fall into the world of adulthood and desire.

To create the image that Connie resides in a purgatory stage, Oates uses June, Connie's sister, and the life she leads as a symbol of the safety and protection of childhood. "Plain and chunky and steady" June, presents the idea of the perfect and modest daughter who "still lives… [in the safety of] home". Though Connie obsesses with outward appearances and is the one with "trashy daydreams", her mother has "no objections" to allowing her to go out of town with friends, because "June [also] went places with girl friends of hers" (516). Though in similar situations, it is Connie and not the older June that is pushed into the world of adulthood. Though Connie wants to be more mature, by having her life still collide with that of Junes, Oates shows that Connie is a child still under the protection of innocence and childhood.

In contrast to the life she leads with June, the drive-in restaurant is symbolic of the temptations of adulthood. Connie and her friend would go to the restaurant "where older kids hung out", not for the "hamburgers and… Cokes in wax cups that were always sweating" but for the elusive allure and temptation of adulthood. Unlike June, who thought boys to be something "sweet, gentle, the way it was in movies and promised in songs" Connie enjoyed flirting with boys at the restaurant. Even with a boy, though, the place carries an allure that causes Connie to can't "help but let her eyes wander over the windshields and faces all around her". It was as if entering this place was like "entering a sacred building that loomed out of the night to give them what haven and what blessing they yearned for", the chance to experience an older life (517). This restaurant, like the fall from innocence, is far from safe. It is the place where Connie meets Arnold Friend, who foreshadows her fate by saying "Gonna get you, baby". This seemingly innocent drive-in restaurant, and Connie's desire to taste it repeatedly is representative of her readiness and willingness to move from the world of childhood to adulthood, though she still resides in the safety of her innocence.

Through her use of symbolism of the temptations of the restaurant and the safety of the shopping plaza that June frequents, the highway that separates the two is representative of a purgatory stage that she is constantly crossing between. Though Connie must "duck… fast across the busy road" to reach and get back from the restaurant, she still visits and crosses back often. The highway, like the purgatory stage between the two, childhood and adulthood, is a stage she can't stay long in, before risking death by being run over. The back and forth transition between adulthood and childhood, like the highway, are dangerous rites of passage, and eventually, Connie must choose between the two.

Oates uses symbolism of childhood and adulthood and the symbolic action of crossing the highway to be representative of Connie's purgatory stage, before her eventual fall. Though she crosses between the two worlds, unready to commit to a single one, her purgatory stage is only temporary and she must eventually make a decision - giving in to the temptation of the devil. By having her fall and time before innocently portrayed as a rebellious stage everyone goes through, Oates presents the idea that everyone is tempted to experience the next world, and that eventually, all will loose their innocence and fall into the world of adulthood.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger thatbeGen said...

Okay, thesis-your intro is good in that i was kept interseted, and it was nice and short, your thesis I'm not exactly sure which sentence it is. I would say your whole intro seems to be a big thesis- I know you're going to prove that Connie lives a double life, so I'm going with that as your thesis. if that's the case then it is very interesting. if it's not...oopps. But your idea of the two worlds begining to clash is super interesting. As a rader i can see where you want to go very easily.
Your thesis for the first body is nice and strong. you say your postion and why, and the next sentecne immediateley goes on to prove it. Your quotes are intergrated very nicely as if they were your own words, that's nice. The set up of contrast between the sisters is constructed nicely and the evidence is clear, this is really well written. your transtion is also smooth showing me both what you had juwst talked about and where you want to go.

Again, nice topic. It's strong and clear, you keep it connected t your first paragraph and to your thesis. So far everything in your essay ties into it's self. Your quotes are well used and help prove your point. you also point out their relevance.so now, you've set up the two sides, the good one she is supoosed to lead, versues the one she does lead.
your paragraph about the highway is also well constructed, I felt you might have done something moer with it like elaborate on how it connects to the greater meaing, but it was still very good. your conclusion is focused and strong you wrap up your ideas very well and tieit into your thesis.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger rEireiLOLs said...

I find that your thesis is very interesting and well put together. I didn't think of the idea of the two worlds clashing together of "purgatory stage" and etc. Your intro is good and to the point.

Your second paragraph I think you need to rephrase your last sentence because to me, it doesn't make too much sense. "Though Connie wants to be more mature, by having her life still collide with that of Junes, Oates shows that Connie is a child still under the protection of innocence and childhood." I mean how does Oates show that Connie is still a child even though her life is like Junes?
And does Connie really live her life leading with June??

I think you're third paragraph is a lot better because you make used of the quotes and twist it around to fit what you're trying to say. It is also well intergated into your paragraph.

Good use of analyzing the highway. In my essay I didn't analyze too much of the highway but I still had the same point. So I agree with what you said about the highway about how it is a dividing line between her two worlds.

I think you should've talked more about how her two worlds collided. I found that when Arnold visits her in her house that it is the moment when her two worlds clashed. But you didn't talk abuot that. You kind of told us that she'll fall but you didn't tell us how she'd fall. Overall still very good.

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger cristinan said...

Looks like you're going to have to teach me how to write a thesis 'cause yours is gooood =].

Short and to the point and it flows. However, I'm not quite sure that, "Connie wants to be more mature, by having her life still collide with that of Junes,..." I thought Connie thought that June was boring and wouldn't want to live a life like her sister's. But I did like how you portrayed the restaurant by saying, "This restaurant, like the fall from innocence, is far from safe." But I do believe that Connies two worlds finally did crash when Arnold Friend came to her house. It seems like she was living in the fast lane and then it suddenly all caught up with her.

All in all, good paper; very good thesis, nice assertive topic sentences, and quotes that were nicely integrated into your own sentences.

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger jinglebellz said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger jinglebellz said...

You have a nice essay going on here. It's very clear because I knew exactly what you were going to talk about (between childhood and adulthood) using symbolism as the aspect. You have good textual evidence to prove your points and they are all incorporated nicely, so props to you! I can definitely see the transition from Connie wanting to be grown up, but was yet still innocent, but eventually fell into adulthood. The juxtaposition of Connie against June is also a great example in proving your point more. Thus, overall your paper was good and really on topic and easy to comprehend. There was only one thing that made me iffy, and that was the constant use of "purgatory stage". I don't know if it's just me, but it just doesn't like a good choice of word to use. although I can totally see what you mean, as like the stage of sin and temptation before the final fall. I can also see the connection of your title to everything now, which is very interesting by the way =)

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger William_S said...

The title of your essay is funny.

First paragraph:
The thesis is a little confusing at first because you talk about the symbolism of crossing the highway and the restaurant to convey "a temporary purgatory stage," but then you go on to say that the symbolism of the purgatory stage does something else. I think the last sentence should be a topic sentence for another paragraph or unless that is part of your thesis. This is just my opinion.

Second paragraph:
I think you did a really good job incorporating quotes into your writing and you did a good job contrasting the two sisters. I think the last sentence is a little off topic. The whole paragraph is about the symbolism of June, but then the last sentence analyzes Connie's character.

Third Paragraph:
This was a very well written paragraph. I don't really see anything wrong with it. The topic sentence is assertive and there's plenty of evidence.

Fourth Paragraph:
You made a very good observation and backed it up with evidence. The topic sentence is assertive and you got your point across concisely.

Fifth Paragraph:
It's off-track because you started to talk about the fall of Connie and instead you should connect the arguments you made back to the thesis.

Overall, you made very good observations and the essay was very well written.

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger Thea-Jenel said...

CUTE TITLE!!

Introduction-I like the intro it was sweet and to the point. It told me what you thesis was and gave just enough detail to display what and how your thesis is going to be proved.

1st paragraph-this was a good use of evidence that you took straight of the story to support your thesis. You said what technique Oates used and the effect that it made. Another short and sweet paragraph but to the point.

2nd paragraph-The transition in the beginning was good to switch from one paragraph to the other. Again great usage of textual evidence. Your incorporation of text makes it easy to understand what your thesis is proving. Connies transformation is stated as well as how this transformation takes place which is very assertive and proves your thesis. You keep on remembering to make sure that everything refers back to your thesis.[i like]!

3rd paragraph-this paragraph was helpful because i feel that it helps summarize the points that you have previously made. So that the reader is clear on what you are proving according to your thesis.

Conclusion-great way to sum everything up you restated your thesis and then incorporated Oates techniques and the deeper meaning of the story and how it connects to society today.

GREAT ESSAY!! and i see you like the word purgatory =]

Thea*

 
At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paragraph 1) I agree with everyone else that your thesis is clear. The last sentence of your first paragraph confused me a bit, though, when you said that part of the main message is that everyone "is able to make their own decision." Did you mean decisions of life? I thought this was sort of a "duh" statement, because we all know that we make our own decisions. It's also sort of the opposite of what you say in the rest of the essay- that Connie is unable to decide between her two worlds. I do like your idea about how she's stuck in the purgatory stage, though.

Paragraph 2) I agree with Rei that I don't really think Connie cares to be like June. I agree with your topic sentence- that June's a symbol of safety, but I think it's the safety that pushes Connie away, rather than keeps her in her "purgatory stage."

Paragraph 3) Good ideas. Maybe elaborate more on how Connie thought the drive-in was good, when really it was a threat to her safety. For example, when you talk about how Connie sees the place as a "sacred building," right after, you say it's unsafe. So maybe just elaborate to make the ideas connect better.

Paragraph 4) Good explanation, but brief, so maybe elaborate more? Your topic sentence was worded strangely also.

Overall, good job. Your clear thesis and topic sentences really help the reader understand your ideas, which were interesting ones. You also stayed on topic, focusing on one technique, and connected your body paragraphs back to your thesis.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger DUH! nicole. said...

...Catch a tiger by the toe?
Sorry, I had to =) but I do like the title!

Your thesis is really strong, and I am quite envious. Your first body paragraph is put together well and the evidence you've selected supports your ideas and run smoothly with your sentences. Very assertive opening sentence in your second paragraph. I like the way you made the contrast between Connie and June and then conclude it with the idea that Connie is still protected by the innocence of childhood when it is Connie who thinks June is still safely protected. And, I think you wrapped up the entire essay really well by bringing together all the elements you presented in the essay.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger adrian n said...

Okay, I think you substantially incorporated the format that we were asked to follow and stuck with it to the end, so kudos to you. I thought you managed to maintain control over your thesis and your topic sentences, back your inferences up with evidence and then discuss the evidence. I thought you grasped the symbolism of a phase similar to purgatory very well and constantly persisted with this same idea throughout the essay. Save a few grammatical errors, the whole ‘Connie wanting her life to collide with June’s’ and the phrase “By having her fall and time before innocently portrayed as a rebellious stage everyone goes through…” which I do not understand at all, I think it is a well-crafted essay and brings out its point, the existence of a phase between adulthood and childhood that we must cross through maturity into sin, in a precise and to-the-point manner. Oh, and I think you used the phrase ‘purgatory stage’ a lot, it became a bit cumbersome so try to rephrase it more often.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger tis Dina. said...

Cute title =]
I really liked your paper, overall. I was confused as to what your thesis was though until I read the entire paper. Great ideas! You developed your stance cohesively and provided sufficient evidense to prove what was in your introduction.
I enjoyed the analysis of the symbol of the highway! You explained it very articulately and guided the reader through its meaning.
Hm..the idea of Connie being destined to be like June..how so? I wish I saw more elaboration on that point because I didn't quite think she was.

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger Alisha said...

This essay too, like the first, has a great title. When I first read it, I had didn’t have a clue of what would be discussed, which of course naturally made me want to read on. After reading the essay, I know it’s about Connie wavering between the adult and child world.

The thesis, which I think lacks parallelism (maybe you should check this), is controversial and defendable, key elements of a thesis. I also think it’s good that author purpose is included in the first paragraph, to state in the beginning to the reader why Oates uses the symbolism to represent the “purgatory stage” (which, like Adrian, I think this phrase is used too often).

In the second paragraph, I like how evidence is used to support the assertion but I think they need to be explained more and relate to the assertion (and thesis), like perhaps the quote about Connie going out with her friends like June. At the same time, I think the next paragraph’s comparison of Connie and June is strong (especially with the use of direct quotes for support).

The fourth paragraph’s analysis of the highway is very insightful. I didn’t think the highway meant so much, but this paper convinced me that it does indeed. However, I think there needs to be evidence for the statement that Connie “must choose between the two” worlds (adult and child).

After this, I think a transition is needed between paragraphs 4 and 5 and that Connie’s “fall” needs to be explained more. I don’t think it is explicitly stated in the paper anywhere (at least not to me). Also, the conclusion left me wondering whether or not it is bad to “fall into the world of adulthood,” even though everybody does…I’m confused. Maybe this “fall into the world of adulthood” should be defined or explained more in greater detail.

Lastly, like Gen pointed out, there needs to be greater meaning in the conclusion (Don’t worry. I have a problem with this too), but overall, I think is a good paper.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Casey said...

-If he hollers lettim go?
--Sorry, I had to follow Nicole's lead.

When i first read your introduction, I will admit that I had to read it a few times before it hit me square in the forehead what exactly you'd be writing about. But, once I had it, your paper seemed to fall directly into place with it.

Your opening sentences are all very assertive, which is good. But I felt like I was reading the same one over and over just with the different elements of the paragraph put into like a mold. Mix it up a little-have some fun.

Overall, I thought your paper was really good, and it flowed pretty nicely once I understood where it was going. Congrats:-)

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger o snap its Farrah C. said...

Omg awesomee Title!
and hahaha I love how Nicole and Cassie continued with the ridle or song

Well I have to say I wish I could write essays that good. I thought your essay was really good it kept me reading to see what you were going to say next.

Your introduction really gave me a good understanding of what you were going to write about. I also, like how you stayed with one subject and didn't write about anything else that had nothing to do with your essay.Your essay flowed perfectly and you kept referring back to your thesis. I also liked how you used your examples to back up your thesis and your assertive topic sentences.

Your conclusion was well organized. You restated your thesis, and gave us an overrall of the story and your essay. I also, liked how you connected it with society as well.

Over all GOODDDD JOB !!!! :D

~Farrah ;)

 
At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your introduction and your conclusion are great ways to begin and finish your essay. They were very concrete and incorporate all the parts of your thesis both instances.

The way you used quotations in your body paragraphs were very structured and useful in proving your point. The contrast your provided between adulthood and childhood in Connie's character was not apparent to me in the story, but after reading this paper, I really found a new way of looking at the purpose of the whole story. I especially enjoyed your referance to the highway and how it represents the purgatory stage of life. That paragraph alone showed me, not just told me, the main idea and purpose for the symbolism of the highway, I could feel the complexity in her life, and the hurridness she would experience being stuck between two places before choosing one. I think this paragraph alone won me over to your interpretation of the story and symbolism used in it. I think it was a good example of how to show not tell while writing an essay, but not being to abstract that it becomes a narration. Great Job on the essay, it really gave me a lot to learn, and had a really creative thesis which completley won me over!

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Chelle said...

Out goes y-o-u?

Yep, had to do it. Love the title by the way, it makes me want to read on.

Paragraph 1-
You're introduction is good and it gets the point across about what you are going to write about. Tightening it up would only making stronger. For example, the line "..temporary purgatory stage before her fall" is somewhat redundant because the idea that purgatory is temporary goes without saying since you tell your audience Connie falls. Also, you might want ot establish exactly what you mean by "fall" a little earlier.

Paragraph 2-
From your thesis (which I took to be "Oates uses the symbolism of the restaurant...before her fall.") I was expecting you to open up with discussion about the restaurant. You seem to set up the road map of your essay like this: 1 restaurant. 2 June. 3. action of crossing the highway. It was a little confusing at first. The last sentence of your paragraph is a little confusing, too. What are you trying to say exactly, try to find a simpler way of saying it. YOu use a lot of textual evidence in your ssentences and that's great! However, try to analyze what you pull from the text just a little more.

Paragraph 3-
Solid paragraph with a lot of evidence but it seems mostly like story-telling. What's the importance of the meeting with Arnold Friend? What does his assertion that he's going to get Connie mean? Your analysis of her constantly looking into windshields was really good and escaped me when I read the story. I thought she was checking her own reflection, now I see that she was looking at the people around her to see if she really belonged. Nice job!

Paragraph 4-
"separates the two is representative of a purgatory stage that she is constantly crossing between," is a little repetitive because it is given that purgatory is the in-between of heaven and hell. What is the importance of not being able to stay in purgatory for long metaphorically? Go beyond what it means physically (that she will get killed). Can it mean something about the forces of both sides pressing upon her? Try to build this paragraph up a little more. You have an awesome skeleton to flesh out here and it's a solid assertion.

Paragraph 5. The conclusion--
"By having her fall and time before innocently portrayed as a rebellious stage everyone goes through..." I.m confused. -.-'
I like the meaning you put behind the story in the last line. It's a reeally good interpretation!

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger George. Who else? said...

Paragraph 1: This first paragraph accomplishes an introduction to the essay effectively. The complex thesis is clearly stated. The only thing that I see is that the thesis might be too multifaceted to be effectively proved in the essay. Overall, disregarding a few minor gramatical errors, this paragraph is a strong openning.

Paragraph 2, 3, 4: the topics of these paragraphs are tied together very closely. They represent a sequence of logic steps that ultimately support the validity of teh thesis statement. What is really extraordinary about these paragraphs is that the topics are very specfic so it would be very easy to stay focused. For exmaple, the 3rd body paragraph specifically focuses on the temptations that are associated with the restaurant.

Conclusion: Again minor gramatically errors are present in the conclusion but they do not take away from the paragraph. The concluding paragraph effectively broadens the scope of the essay from Connie's character to comment on the general fall that each person takes into adulthood.

 
At 11:08 PM, Blogger Gabstaa said...

First of all, let me just say what an interesting GREAT title. It caught my attention immediately.
One minor issue that might just be my OCD or something talking is the excessive use of the phrase "purgatory stage." I wish this person might have used a different wording (unless the repetition was the effect they were going for.)

MAJOR PROPS for the transition/topic sentences from paragraph 2 to 3. I think it made the paragraphs flow a lot better.

I feel as if this person could have expanded a little bit more on "It is the place where Connie meets Arnold Friend, who foreshadows her fate by saying "Gonna get you, baby"." because it is such a great topic and it has a lot to do with the 3rd paragraph.

I felt that this person stayed focused on their topic and that they used the right quotations for it. I do agree a little with Gen on how the intro seems like one big thesis. But as you read further it becomes obvious that the thesis is really the idea of Connie being in a "purgatory stage" and falling from grace.

I feel like this person could have done a little more analysis in the last paragraph, but i felt that this was a strong essay.Kudos to yo who wrote it...
-Gabs

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger LauKizzle08 said...

I know its late but I guess better late then never. I am very impressed with the beginning, it keeps me interested in what I am about to be reading.

Again with this essay as well maybe there should not be as many topics clumped into one paper. The highway part of this essay is kind of just thrown into the mix of describing June and the restaurant. It does play a key role in this short story but, maybe it could have been anaylized a little bit more or just taken away from the whole paper. I do not take away from the meaning of the paper which is great but its kind of like okay let me show you one more thing between Connie choosing childhood or adulthood.

Awesome closing paragraph. Bravo! Nothing to say about that. Fully explanitory.

--- L. katz

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger ♥ Eschuk ♥ said...

To begin, I like how you don't try to pack too many thoughts into your first paragraph and try to remain focused. Your thesis, though, is lacking a bit of the "so What?"
(Or in this case "to do what?")factor. Your ideas are a bit jumbled within the paragraph and this can create a less appealing essay to read as the reader has to pick apart what your're trying to state. So, great ideas, but they should be in one package.

For some reason, the "to create" opening in your second paragraph seems out of place. What I mean is that the sentence appears backwards. Is this just me? =/
Anyways, It would be more gramatical correct if it were stated as follows:
"Oates uses June, Connie's sister, and the life she leads as a symbol of the safety and protection of childhood to create the image that Connie resides in a purgatory stage"
At the end of this paragraph, how does this (Though Connie wants to be more mature, by having her life still collide with that of Junes, Oates shows that Connie is a child still under the protection of innocence and childhood.) reflect an evetual fall into purgatory? A little more analysis seems needed.

The essay has a fine strcuture, but in the end a little more analysis in parts and clarity could have made the essay more focused and enjoyable.

At the end, I feel you need to state the importance to the story a little further. You assert: "Oates uses symbolism of childhood and adulthood and the symbolic action of crossing the highway to be representative of Connie's purgatory stage, before her eventual fall." Again, why is the fall into purgatory so important espcially in this story?

 

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