First Essay for Comment
So here is the first of the winners of our own version of the lottery...Please read and comment on this essay. Feel free to pull out lines from the text where you think the writer demonstrated strong insight about the text or wrote beautifully about it. Your comments should be specific and constructive (unlike the lottery of literature, this is not to be a public stoning...). Reference the criteria in the rubric or the "How Do You Know You Wrote A Good Critical Essay" handout.
Please comment by 10/25. The essay is in the comments section, since it's much easier to read it there.
posted by Ms. Clapp @ 11:04 AM
23 comments
23 Comments:
The Sound of Comfort and the Sound of Fear
Music serves many purposes in everyday life. It’s used to reflect our emotions, make us feel a certain way, and as an outlet for many people’s creativity. Music can also serve the purpose of making us feel safer and less threatened in any given situation. In Joyce Carol Oates’ Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been? the contrasting use of vivid and dreary details, the juxtaposition of how Connie reacts to the people at the burger joint and how she reacts to her family, as well as the use of music, symbolize Connie’s areas of comfort, and eventually come to symbolize her fear, and an inevitable loss of innocence.
Oates uses detail as a tool to demonstrate Connie’s level of confidence and security when she’s surrounded by her peers. When the audience is first introduced to the burger joint, it is described in such vivid detail compared to the rest of her life, that it leads the reader to make the assumption that Connie views the burger joint in a completely different light than she views the rest of her life. Oates uses words such as, “bright-lit…their faces pleased and expectant…sacred building” to show both Connie and her friend’s excitement about being surrounded by people their own age. These, in contrast with the details used to describe her everyday life, express Connie’s feelings so that the reader can better understand her relationship with both her family and with society.
Connie also demonstrates a different level of interaction with the people at the burger joint than she does with her family. At the burger joint, she disregards most of the cat calls that she receives, and shrugs off encounters that otherwise would seem threatening, when in her home life, she takes everything as an insult against her. The audience can infer that Connie feels as though her family is after her. By doing this, Oates is further pushing Connie into being more comfortable with her friends than with her family.
The use of music also plays a major role in describing Connie’s emotions and feelings. At the burger joint, the music is described as, “…made everything so good: the music was always in the background…it was something to depend on” showing the audience that Connie finds comfort in the music. Here, music symbolizes Connie’s comfort in the burger joint, while she is surrounded by her peers. Later, when leaving the burger joint, Connie can no longer hear the music, and there is an immediate shift in the description of her surroundings. While in the presence of music, the use of detail is light and airy, but when the music stops, the details become more concrete and less vivid.
Before the arrival of Arnold Friend and Ellie, Connie is engrossed in the music she has playing in her room. She is in a place where she feels safe, surrounded by the noise that comforts her. When Arnold and Ellie show up, there is a distinct change in the way that music is used. Both Connie and the boys have the same music playing and yet, the music that had comforted her before now became something to fear. In the context of the situation, Oates’ uses Ellie as a tool to desperately try and keep the music loud and noticeable, to keep Connie safe. But Arnold Friend strips the music of its comfort when he “began to mark time with the music from Ellie’s radio.” Oates takes this opportunity to put Connie in a situation where she is not comfortable, even with the one thing that always seems to make things safe. This can be seen as a loss of innocence or a moment of realization for Connie. At this moment, she is forced to see that she won’t always be safe and comfortable when surrounded by the familiar and what she views as comfortable.
Oates uses many tools to aide the reader in identifying with Connie, and her detail plays a major role. Her detail shows the reader both Connie’s insights about the people and places surrounding her, as well as her feelings towards certain aspects of the story. Her use of music as a symbol of comfort and innocence adds to the intensity of the final scene between Connie and Arnold Friend, causing it to stick in the audience’s minds forever.
Hey everyone it has been soooooooo long since we have all commented as a class. I miss it :(. Anyways the beginning of this has the potential for a great intro paragraph. The only thing I can see wrong is that there are too many areas to focus on throughout the thesis statement. Any one of those points could be made valid with evidence and none of them are the duh? statements, so to speak. Again in the first topic about the burger joint the evidence is there but, supporting the meaning of the story as a whole is really not. The burger joint could be described as her innocence beginning to diminish because she acts as an adult when she is there(i.e. when she goes with the guy eddie). Do not be discourage because I have tons of trouble doing this to and I havent quite put my finger on it yet, but I hope to do so before the dreaded AP exam. The second topic about the music I think seems to be going in a better direction for whomever wrote this essay. I believe that the music does in fact show the safety and the fear that Connie faces and I believe that a paper could be made about this one point on its own. The conclusion could use a little sprucing up but all in all it was good. I think that whomever wrote this should concentrate more on one topic then three because the burger joint and the detail part of your thesis seems to be jumbled into one. Or you could have taken that away and could have analyzed the music a bit more because music is something that is a definite factor in this story and could be described in a 2-3 page paper. Great ideas and I can relate to the trouble you had with writting this because I have the same exact trouble. Great job though hope to help you improve by my comments.
-- L.katz
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First off, great title.
You have a great thesis statement however, like Lauren said, too much is jumbled into one. It kind of threw me off track when you were talking about music and then you switched over to the burger joint thing and started talking about her loss of innocence. I cfeel that the subject of her loss of innocence is something different from the music aspect. I'm sure that if you just stuck with music as your symbol you would have had enough evidence for a solid paper. Don't worry, I too, have this problem of somewhat going off topic but I'm working on it.
On the other hand, you did a great job explaining the use of music because the whole time as I was reading the story I kept questioning the significance of the music so thanks alot for clearing that up for me It didn;t occur to me that music is what set her free and brought her to a better place in her life. All in all very good paper.
-Cristina
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That was an interesting thesis... from what i see it is...what is originally her area of comfort becomes her fears.
And from the paragraph, I can assume that you will be writing an essay, probably with individual paragraphs on the difference between how COnnie reacts to the burger joint and then her family, and the use of music in the story. -Might have been better if you separated the sentence though... to make it clearer.
Second Paragraph
Uses detail.... maybe elaborate on what type of detail in the opening paragraph. I think it ends with "society", can't really tell on Blogspot... but in your topic sentence you mentioned detail being used to demonstrate her confidence and security when surrounded by peers - but you don't touch much on it... in the paragraph you talk about the "excitement" she feels... but I think you need to elaborate a little more on how those words demonstrate the excitment and security.
Third Paragraph
Topic sentence.. need to elaborate on what effect that creates. The last sentence was strong in that it analyzes... however the paragraph bases most of its evidence in paraphrases... it would be better if there were direct quotations...
Fourth paragraph... it seemed like the core of the paper.It was the strongest and tied the most back into the thesis of the paper. You used more direct evidence and did more analysis than the other paragraphs.
Conclusion...You wander back to details...which makes me think i misunderstood your thesis. Also there were a lot of vague words like "certain aspects"... specify what aspects were affected.
I am still a little confused about the thesis of you paper... whether it is about the comforts of music in everyday life, and how that comfort is eventually turned against Connie by the devil.. or whether it is something about detils.
However, I did like the ideas you presented, especially about the music... like how Arnold had Ellie keep playing it to keep her comfortable, though it was a dangerous situation.
Overall I think you did a good job... you just need to work on a tighter thesis and making sure you stick to that thesis throughout the paper.. (as in each topic sentence of your paragraphs relate/prove some point of the overarching thesis)...
And like Lauren and Cristina... I think you could've made your paper based on the music as a symbol of comfort.. and then it being turned on her as your essay. Your title basically ties right into that, so I was expecting your essay to be about it. Next time, just narrow your focus more and cover a smaller area (like music), instead of details in general.
but, overall....
Good Job.
-Winnie
I love the title of your essay.
I agree with Winnie, there is too much ideas jumbled up into the thesis statement. I think you should have separated the thesis statement to help clarify what you're going to write about.
In addition, I think you should narrow down your focus more because the ideas of your paper can be split in half. The first two body paragraphs are about Connie's home life vs. her social life. The last two body paragraphs are then about music. Judging from the title, I, like Lauren, Cristina and Winnie, thought that the essay was going to focus solely on the music.
Second Paragraph:
I think you should elaborate more on what kind of details is used to describe her everyday life. You only talk about the details describing the burger joint. You don't go into the details that describe her life. Is the detail bland as compared to the vivid detail used to describe the burger joint?
Third Paragraph:
I think you need to add a quote or two, in order to provide stronger evidence.
Fourth Paragraph:
This paragraph is probably the strongest because you were able to incorporate quotes into your own writing. The observations you made were very good and I didn't notice that there was a change in detail whenever music was present.
Fifth Paragraph:
I think the topic sentence needs to be more assertive. I also think in the beginning of the paragraph you did a little too much of story telling.
Conclusion:
I think you should be more specific about the "tools" that Oates uses.
Overall, it was a great essay. You made very interesting points about the music from what you observed about the change in detail.
heyy everyoneee!! itss so hardd to type with my handd :( but anyways to the essayyy!!!!
nicee Title!! :D
I really liked this sentence that the person used to describe the music and how it takes a strong effect on Connies life. "Later, when leaving the burger joint, Connie can no longer hear the music, and there is an immediate shift in the description of her surroundings. While in the presence of music, the use of detail is light and airy, but when the music stops, the details become more concrete and less vivid." I thought this sentence backs up the thesis of the the essay but the only thing is it is a little difficult to see what the thesis of the essay is because the first couple of sentences seem that any of those sentences could be the thesis.
I also, have to say the conclusion to this essay is straight to the point and needs to be stronger and more of a concluding paragraph. Also, it seemed like it didn't really conclude what your subject of the essay is about which is music.
the essay gives us a good understanding about the subject she is writing about. She/he gives us good examples and evidence to back up their topic sentences.
But... I have to agree with Laurn because you do have more than one thing to focus on. If you are focusing on music alone you could also describe the setting because the songs that Connie tells us helps us see around what time period it was.
I have to agree with Winnie, your fourth paragraph is well put together.
Well I think you did a good job but just need to change up your essay a little.
byess!
~Farrah ;)
I know this is going to sound repetitive of many of the above comments, but I too loved this title. I’m so envious of whoever wrote this because I have trouble constructing creative titles such as this—and this one is great. However, it leads me to believe that the essay will be solely about what the music symbolizes and how it contributes to the story.
Like Lauren, Cristina, and everybody else, I agree that the thesis is too large in scope. It’s definitely arguable and something you must defend, but it attempts to conquer too much. That’s why I also agree that the thesis should only focus on solely one aspect of the story—most likely the music because the rest of the paper is centered on it, besides the beginning which focuses more on the family relationship aspect of the story.
On a lighter note, I liked the ideas that were presented in the paper—about Connie’s relationship with her family and the music alike. I didn’t have the “guts” to write my paper about music because I was unsure of what it symbolized, but the insight provided in this paper is very helpful in understanding its meaning. I just think that this meaning needs to relate to the bigger picture of the entire story.
However, at the same time, more concrete evidence is needed to support the theory that music represents comfort and then fear and a loss of innocence. For example, I liked the assertion “While in the presence of music, the use of detail is light and airy, but when the music stops, the details become more concrete and less vivid,” which would make a great topic sentence. It introduces an element of the story I failed to discover, but at the same time, it leaves me wondering how it relates to the comfort/fear relationship, since it is not further explained. Similarly, I didn’t understand why Connie could no longer hear the music at one point in the story, and I liked how this person described it as a shift. The only problem is that I there is no concrete evidence (i.e. direct quotations) to support the belief that there is a shift.
Finally, the opening statement of the conclusion seems to go off topic as Cristina mentioned and is disconnected from the rest of the paper, including the thesis presented at the beginning of the essay, which is supposed to be restated. Plus, the conclusion needs “some greater, deeper understanding of the text as a whole” as the “How do you know that you wrote a good critical essay?” sheet says. Lastly, the paper doesn’t discuss the author’s purpose for writing the story, which would tie into this “greater meaning” and the thesis as well, helping understand the story better too.
So far so good, the thesis is okay, though a litle broad. the reader can see what the author wants to prove and can even map out where the paper is going, the only thing, like everyone else i think you try to say a little much. The essay is focused all around how music is symbolic the topic is nice and narrow, so taht's where i hope it's going. Teh part about the burger joint could probally be a new paragraph, your first body paragraph feels like its a continuation of that evidence not the begiinnign of your argument. With that quote in your third it is akward because you don't make it flow with your sentence, you shouold open it up saying something like "as having, 'made..." like that make your tenses match. Il like how you take the time to really explian your quote though, show what it's about and how it is relvant to your argument, that's good. Your essay brings up so many intersting ideas, and you show the contrats etweent he roles of music well, however you ddin't focus on the symbol so much as your thesis led me to think you wuld, i tink you staryed form it a little, which is fine, you had good ideas, but you have to go back and chane your thesis if that's the case. Also you didn't really conncect back to the greater meaning, or tie your evidence back into your thesis. Unlike Winnie, I thugh t you were at a good place with most of your topic sentences. but i basically agree with what everyone else said. You're so brave.
I agree about the theme of music in this essay. Music has become a huge part of our lives. But when you said "to show both Connie and her friend's excitement about being surrounded by people their own age"- it's wrong. In the story, the burger joint actually is a hang out place for older kids. And I felt that you focused too much on the burger joint and that it didn't go with your thesis statement about music.
Good analysis when saying "Connie can no longer hear the music, and there is an immediate shift in the description of her surroundings. While in the presence of music, the use of detail is light and airy, but when the music stops, the details become more concrete and less vivid."
I liked how the person told us the shift of how the music is used in the essay.
I also agree with Winnie that your fourth paragraph is very well put together. I still think this is a great essay so don't change too much of it.
Okay, your title caught my interest in the essay right away, so definitely that was a great start. The introductory sentences about music were really interesting too, but when I got to your thesis statement, I became confused. There was just so much being talked about that it didn't really have a flow connecting everything. I think I can see what you mean, using music as a chain to relate everything as an overall result, but the two main bodies just felt like two totally different ideas, one being about burger joint and the other focusing more on music. Although, I have to say you interpreted the music and it's symbols very well. I also think you could maybe have chosen more suitable textual references that would prove your point better, because I didn't really understand your point. Overall, the paper is good, if you reorganized it a bit, because the ideas are just all over the place (although they're very good points to prove). And using the word "tools" just didn't sound too fitting within the context. I don't mean to so mean, because I admit it was hard writing this paper. You did a nice job =)
Even though everyone already said and i bet you have the point by now but, NICE TITLE!
Intro- I thought your intro was good in the way that you made a connection to everyday life to support what you were going to write your paper on. I also liked that fact that you decided to right your paper on just a common interest of people, it makes it more relatable and interesting, atleast i think so. However, i got a little confused when i arrived at your thesis statement. It felt to me that you were trying to incorporate too much into one sentence. I think if you broke it up a little it would be easier to understand. Then i also got a little confused at the end of the first paragraph when you mentioned Oates' use of detail because i felt that that took away from your focus which is on music as her comfort zone not on the difference between her relationship with her family and society.
1st paragraph-Going back to your thesis i think that you should have focused more on the effect the music had on Connie at the burger joint instead of beginning the paragraph about her interactions with people at the burger joint.But it was a good way to incorporate Connie's comfort level in different areas which you are trying to prove.
2nd paragraph-This paragraph was a good use of textual evidence to support your thesis but the incorporation of the quotations seemed a little awkward. But they were a good choice of evidence.Oh yeah and in this paragraph i see why you include the use of details in your opening paragraph because there is a shift in word choice when Connie becomes uncomfortable, maybe to make it easier to understand you could add how it changes due to Connies comfort level so that it connects to your thesis.
3rd paragraph-i liked this paragraph you made me realize things that i didnt pick up aftering reading the story. There was a good use of transition of how the music and Connies comfort level changed with eachother. Also the reference to Connies loss of innocence was good too.Good inclusion of textual evidence into your own sentences.
Conclusion- the last paragraph seemed like you were trying to make too many points in too little lines by just making statements instead of analyzing what each element of Oates writing actually did to the story and how it supports its greater meaning.
--This helped me because i was able to see what things i could improve on my paper too...GOOD JOBB!! hope that my suggestions can help you!
Thea*
I think all of you're ideas were very interesting.
However, I agree with everyone else that you need to narrow your focus. I don't believe you necessarily need to focus solely on the symbol of music, but make sure you're focusing on only symbol, because the point of the paper was to focus on one technique of fiction. I think that the other topics you focused on- the use of details and the juxtaposition between Connie's different reactions, don't really fall under symbolism, though you could have focused on the burger joint, in itself, as a symbol.
Also, remember the proper use of quotations in an essay. When you read it out loud, they should sound like they belong in the sentence, and should flow with it. For example, when you said, "At the burger joint, the music is described as, '…made everything so good: the music was always in the background…it was something to depend on,'" the wording sounds awkward.
Make sure your topic sentences are assertive, not just summarizing, like when you said "Before the arrival of Arnold Friend and Ellie, Connie is engrossed in the music she has playing in her room."
In addition to that, like others stated, I'm not sure if your use of the word, "tool" really fit into what you were trying to prove. You mention that Oates uses Ellie as a tool, but I wasn't sure if you were trying to say that he's a symbol, and if so, I wanted some elaboration on this point.
Overall, good work. I really did like your ideas, because I hadn't noticed them before. I couldn't figure out what the music meant before, but your idea makes sense.
Hey there! I'm commenting as I read each paragraph and I have to say that I like the thesis statement but it's at odds with the beginning of the paragraph. It's a good thesis otherwise because it maps out the rest of your essay in an accessible way. Nice job with that! However, you open up with only music and its purposes or uses in the story then you only mention it once in the thesis. Opening with just music makes it seem like your essay will be about just music.
"Connie views the burger joint in a completely different light than she views the rest of her life." Here, I would have found it helpful to have a direct statement of what "light" she sees the burger joint in compared to her normal life. What makes the two lives different besides the detail?
I know it's explained later on but a heads up on what the paragraph is going to be about helps me, personally, focus my thoughts and find evidence more efficiently.
In your third paragraph, try to state what exactly leads to the inference that Connie feels as so her family is after her.
The fourth paragraph is really good but could use a little back up. THe idea you have is something I didnt catch and you have the start to a really good supporting paragraph.
Besides tightening up some evidence and sentense structure, your paper seems good. Hope I helped!
Adrian’s the name, and constructive criticism’s my game! I have been unfortunate enough to read some of the previous comments before writing this (not a good idea if you want to present fresh ideas) but I will try to state my points without belaboring the ones already made in the other comments.
First, the thesis (and title): after reading your title and thesis, I thought that you were going to center your entire essay on the role that music played in the story and finally help me solve that riddle. However, amidst the thesis, you changed direction and went off into “juxtaposition-land”. Not a bad direction to take at all, it is actually a whole essay in and of itself and I think you hit the nail right on the head for the majority of the paper, but I think you should have stuck to one topic. I understand that the music is part and parcel of the greater juxtaposition, but if you wanted to present it in that format, then I think you should have either introduced the music and downplayed the other juxtapositions (centering all your faculties on the music) or perhaps gone with the greater juxtapositions (using this as the meat of your thesis) and only using music as a singular example of the comparisons.
As for the rest of the essay: I thought the paper was generally informative and brought to light some very important topics. However, I felt you did not follow the format when it came to the “showing us how [blah blah blah] brought out the greater meaning of [blah blah blah] by doing [blah blah blah]”. By the end of the essay I felt that you had vividly shown us how music was a great thing in the story as well as made it a memorable one and also shown us how other elements of the story brought it all together. But I did not grasp from your essay the how and why music contributed to the general loss of innocence or how juxtapositions and/or comparisons brought out and served the author’s purpose for writing the story. Along the same lines, you did not elaborate on the greater meaning(s) of the story or the author’s purpose for writing it.
I know that it is easy to complain, but difficult to compliment. However, if you feel that I have not accorded credit where credit is due, it is not because I did not feel like it. Appraising your essay, I believe, is meant to help us remedy the problems of not only your essay, but also our own as well. Therefore I am only trying to spot the problems for the sake of ameliorating your essay as well my own and those of the rest of the class.
Both your title, which is obviously a winner because everyone loves it, and introduction pulled me into your essay. Also, the topic you picked is easy to relate to making it appeal to a greater audience...everyone listens to some form of music. The thesis is a little much I found myself going back a few times mid-sentence trying to completely understand what you were saying. Like almost everyone else has mentioned you're focusing to much on the buger place and how she views it differently compared to her house and home life, it doesn't really fit in with your idea of music (which I really like by the way). The textual evidence you used supports your ideas nicely. I like the way you wrapped it all up in the end, but when I started to read the essay I thought the focus of it was on music and music only, and I think you could've focused more on the music. But, I really enjoyed your essay!!
=) Nicole
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Hello everyone! I'm very sorry if I repeat comments made by others but I do not wish to peak at what you guys have said because I do not want my own ideas to be influenced.
First off, I really like the title. It provides a sense of interest for the reader and guides them to what the reader's paper is going to be about. I found it interesting how it reminded me of Faulkner's title, "The Sound of the Fury"...idk, random connection. Was this person trying to do so?
The introduction, I must say, I truly like. This person not only introduced how music is used in literature and in society in general as a symbol but compares how it used used in Joyce's work. It has a nice fludity to it. The thesis is really interesting. I interperted it differently so I'd like to see their stance. It's pretty cool =]
Body paragraphs: Great detail. Good evidense although I wish this person included more because I didn't really see HOW music is created to symbolize loss of innocense and how it develops throughout the story. I loved the idea though. And the style and diction of this author was very sophisticated and intellectual.
Hmm..it was interesting how the essay took a toll and focused more on the "juxtoposition..." rather than the role of music. I like both ideas but it was an extrememly difficult task to write a coherent essay involving both so I think the reader should have chose one topic or the other because the essay was pretty hard to follow at some points and I felt as if both ideas had strong potencial for elaboration but I know how difficult it is to condense and only zoom in on one particular topic. See? Like right now...I think I'm not condensing my ideas enough about the point I'm trying to make here, sorry.
About the conclusion, I really liked how this writer elaborated and tied it all together to the "big picture" in society and pinpointed an important theme in the novel.
Okay, somehow I've counted five paraghraphs, and I think I've gone crazy because I'll still refer to it as five or else it will get me confused. So to start off as everyone else has probably said, I really do enjoy your title as well, it's one of those title's where you can kind of imply what your thesis will be, so great start with the title alone.
Introduction: Once I got to the sentence "In Joyce Carol Oates'....loss of inevitable innocence", I felt a bit lost, the sentence it self seems to have a lot of ideas accumulated into one paragraph, even sentence alone. I think it would have been better to chop it down a little, and really focus on one idea alone.
Second Paragraph: I think it would have been helpful if you had proof to show the audience who may or may have not read the story, how Connie felt attacked by her family. The second paragraph does not seem to have a sentence that may relate back to the thesis of the story or what music had to do with the Connie's relationships. I think you had two theses.
Third Paragraph: I really felt your use of evidence was great in this paragraph. The way you connected usage of a symbol and the language and descriptions the paper used really gave a great backbone to your argument.
Fourth Paragraph: I have to say who ever has written this essay has done a great job on the fourth paragraph, it really made me sit and think about the purpose of the story and really grasped my attention to the role of music alone. It really brings out an exceptional way on how to use everything we've used from usage of quotations and connecting your evidence to the context and the characters emotions so great job with that, but I have to comment on how the loss of innocense was introduced into the paper. I think it was very brief, and was just placed there, but needed to be a bit more elaborated on for me.
Conclusion: The conclusion seems to be a good ending for the paper, I personally always have trouble with writing a conclusion not knowing what should be added or not mentioned in the conclusion, but I think the conclusion fit in perfectly.
Overall, I felt your evidence was great, but the paper on a whole would have been much more organized if there was one main focus on the paper, and elaborated on that, the thesis seemed a bit too complex in my opinion. Otherwise I really enjoyed your talent in making an assertion and proving it, it's one of my main problems, and I will probably refer back to this essay whenever I can in order to improve my own writing.
Pros: This essay has a very strong thesis statement and good assertive topic sentences that support it. The evidence provided for the paragraphs are also very appropriate (however they isn't enough evidence). The overall impact of the essay is strong and all of the major components are strong. However minor problems do exist that hinder it.
Cons: Textual evidence is a little lacking in this essay, which could have greated improved its strength. However, the evidence that is presented is analyzed well. The first body paragraph provides examples of words that support the assertion that Connie is comfortable with her peers. This is taken further in the next sentence as the author explains a connection between this and its affect on the reader. One other problems is the occasional use of colloquial language such as "cat calls" in an academic essay. Although the author makes points clearly with these phrases, they are not really appropriate for this kind of essay.
I felt that the thesis was great, however there are many areas to talk about...It's also sort of wordy. I agree with Lauren on how it has potential to be a great intro essay and also how the thesis might be a little overachieving...(I don't even know if that would be the right word for it...)
I agree with Winnie and Will on how this person might want to focus more on just one topic or one aspect of music. I felt that all of the quotations that were used were very on point. However, I do feel that this person could still use more textual evidence, especially on paragraph 3. Overall, I believe this was a really great essay that just needs a little more tweaking.
-Gabs
Firstly, I feel the title may be going in two diffrent directions, so you should narrow it down for "specificity". =)
I feel the introductory paragraph, like the others stated, is a bit confusing with its direction. There is too much going on, with the juxtapostion to the symbolism. Like the title, it would be better if the thesis was stated with a bit more focus on one aspect. I feel, however, that your ideas are excellent.
In the second Paragragh, I agree with Winnie. More analysis would have been better. For example, you assert that Oates "uses detail as a tool to demonstrate Connie’s level of confidence and security" but you do not state what the level of her confience may be. In addition to the statement of "confidence and security", I feel that there is a conflicting nature of the word. Confidence suggest some pride and less fear where as security suggests that she is afraid. You should have stated one and went with it.
You state at the end of this paragraph, " By doing this, Oates is further pushing Connie into being more comfortable with her friends than with her family." This does not reflect that she has a level of confidence and security when surrounded by her peers though. So, why would Oates need to demonstrate Connie's level of confidence?
You continue to describe how Oates uses certain tools, but these thoughts are a little bit disjointed. You should narrow the focus of the essay. You do present very well-thoughtout ideas and they would be better is only more direct.
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